


You Know I’m No Good

by Ice_Queen784



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bisexual Jemma Simmons, Cheating, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fitzsimmons ending guaranteed, I don’t want anyone to read this and think I hate her cuz I don’t, Jemma Simmons Has No Chill, Jemma Simmons Needs a Hug, Just so we’re clear I love Jemma, Recreational Drug Use, Season/Series 01, Season/Series 02, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2020-05-07 18:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 35,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19215286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: I cheated myself,Like I knew I wouldI told you I was troubleYou know that I’m no goodBased on You Know I’m No Good by Amy Whinehouse





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this fandom. I’ve come up with so many ideas for fics, but somehow this is what I wrote first. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! :)

Jemma had never been good at stable relationships. Fitz was as stable as she had ever gotten. All things considered, they were pretty stable, or at least they appeared that way.

They had been best friends since the Academy, but they didn’t start dating until shortly before they joined Coulson’s team on the Bus. He might not have agreed to join her otherwise. But he loved her and so he followed her into this crazy new adventure even though he didn’t want to.

They were fine at first, at least until she caught an alien virus and jumped from the plane. She would rather just kill herself than blow up the plane and kill everyone else along with her. But Grant Ward jumped after her and saved her.

Jemma had always thought Ward was attractive, but had never let those thoughts manifest into actions until he saved her. They got closer after that. Way closer than she should’ve allowed.

A few weeks after she jumped, they slept together for the first time. Having sex with him was everything she had imagined it to be. Ward was hard and rough in a way Fitz never was with her. Ward was hot and passionate and he had her screaming his name and coming back for more. And she never stopped to think about her actions or feel guilty about cheating until Fitz heard her screaming.

She was sneaking out of Ward’s bunk that night as quietly as she could. But Fitz was a few feet away, waiting for her with hurt and tears in his eyes.

“What the fuck?” He asked. “How could you do this to me Jemma? I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you-,” She tried to defend herself but he cut her off.

“Don’t lie to me.” He snapped. “If you loved me you wouldn’t be fucking Ward. I heard you screaming his name in pleasure. You’ve never screamed my name like that before.”

“Fitz-,”

“How long has this been going on, Jemma?” He demanded.

“A couple of weeks.” She admitted.

“And here I was thinking you loved me.” He shook his head. “Here I was thinking you were grateful to me for helping you make the stupid vaccine-,”

”Anti-serum,” she corrected before she could think better of it.

”Shut up. The stupid vaccine that saved your sorry ass. But I wasn’t the one who jumped out of the Bus for you, so I guess that really wasn’t enough, was it?”

“Fitz, please let me talk,” She tried, but he wouldn’t let her.

“No. I don’t want to hear whatever lame excuse you come up with. I’m done. We’re over.”

He stormed off. Jemma went back to her bunk and cried.

She had always been one to get into trouble. In school, she was bored, so she skipped class to go fuck around with her friends. She snuck out late at night to go drink and party.

Eventually, her parents had stepped in. They sent her to an honors academy, where the courses were advanced enough to keep her attention and the workload was enough to keep her out of trouble.

She spent the next few years trying to be a good girl. She tried to follow the rules. And she had been doing pretty well, especially since she started her relationship with Fitz. But her instincts were bound to kick back in eventually. If only they hadn’t kicked back in right now.

Jemma had warned Fitz that she was trouble. Deep down, she was no good, no matter how hard she tried to pretend otherwise. A darker side would always shadow her.

But he didn’t care. He thought he could change her. He should’ve known better. And she should’ve known better than to let him try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which people find out.

The next morning, Jemma tried to pretend everything was normal. But there was an obvious tension between her and Fitz. Not to mention the slightly disgusted stare Skye kept giving her.

Eventually, Jemma just couldn’t handle the stare anymore.

“Skye, what’s going on?” She asked. “Why do you keep staring at me like that?”

“Um, because Fitz told me what you did.” She retorted. “I gotta say, I never would have pegged you for the type to do that. Miss ‘I’m a good girl and I like following the rules’ cheating on her boyfriend is not something I expected. That was a really shitty thing to do to him. He thought you loved him and instead you were fucking Ward behind his back. I guess you’re not a good girl after all, are you?”

“Skye, please, I can explain-,”

“Yeah, what’s your explanation here?” She rolled her eyes. “Ward saved you so you owe him your pussy? You’re just a stupid whore who fucks anyone who’s interested?”

“It’s not like that,” Jemma replied.

“Then what is it like? If you have a better explanation spit it out. I would love to hear it.”

“I-, it’s just-, I-,” she tried to think of something, but she couldn’t. She sighed and shook her head.

“That’s what I thought.”

“Skye, I really didn’t mean to hurt Fitz.” She started to cry. “I don’t know why I did it. It just happened.”

“Because you let it happen, because you-,”

“Is there a problem here?” Coulson interrupted her.

“Yeah, there’s a problem-,”

“It’s none of your fucking business.” Jemma snapped.

“If there’s some kind of issue going on between my Agents, that is absolutely my business.” He shot back. “And don’t ever speak to me like that again, Simmons.”

“She’s just putting her true colors on display, AC.” Skye remarked. “Darker than you expected, aren’t they?”

“What’s going on?” He demanded.

“Simmons is a dirty skank, that’s what’s going on.” She told him. “She cheated on Fitz. She’s been fucking Ward. Fitz found out last night when he heard her in Ward’s bunk, screaming his name.”

“Is that true?” He asked. Jemma just nodded.

“Turns out she’s not the sweet, innocent little girl we all thought she was, is she?”

“No, Skye, you’re right.” Jemma replied. “I’m not sweet and innocent. I’m not a good girl. I’m the bad guy. I’m nothing but trouble. I tried to be a good girl, I really did. But I’m just not. And I’m sorry that I had you all fooled into thinking I was.”

She walked away, tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t expecting anyone to come after her, and she honestly didn’t want them to. But Coulson did.

“Simmons, stop,” he called after her. She ignored him and kept walking. “Simmons, don’t walk away from me. I need to talk to you.” She kept ignoring him. “Simmons, stop. That’s an order.”

She finally stopped. She turned around.

“What?” She snapped.

“First of all, do not ever ignore me again. If I give you a direct order, I expect you to follow it. You are an agent on my team, and you will follow my orders.”

“I do follow orders when it’s important.” She argued.

“Really? Because I seem to recall you going against my orders when you jumped out of the Bus and hacked into the Hub with Skye. I think both of those were pretty important.”

“Both of those were to protect the team.”

“I know that, but those weren’t your calls to make.” He sighed. “But that’s not the point. Because this is important too. Look, I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Fitz, or Ward, but I want you to understand that just because you did a bad thing, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

“This isn’t just one bad thing. This is who I am. I’ve tried to be good. But I’ve always been one to do bad things. I’ve always gotten into trouble. It’s just who I am. I’m a bad person.”

“Simmons, you might make bad decisions, but you have a heart of gold. I’ve seen it in action a hundred times since you joined the team.”

“I might care about the people around me, but if I really had a heart of gold, I wouldn’t hurt the people who care about me. I do bad things because I’m a bad person.”

“You’re not a bad person.” She was tired of arguing, even though he was wrong and she knew it. She wiped the tears from her face, only for more to fall. Coulson pulled her into a hug. “It’ll be okay.” He comforted.

She cried into his chest for a few moments, but she pulled away.

“I’m sorry.” She told him. “You’re not going to tell May, are you?”

“No, why?”

“I would like to maintain the respect of at least one person on the team. That is, of course, assuming Skye doesn’t tell her.”

“Simmons, I respect you.”

“No, you feel bad for me.” She replied. “I’m another lost cause for you to fix. You feel sorry for me. But you don’t respect me. And I don’t deserve your respect. I don’t deserve anyone’s respect. I’m getting what I deserve. I always do.”

Jemma walked away, still crying. She found Ward in his bunk. He was reading a book, but he looked up when she came in.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked her. “I heard Fitz yelling at you last night. I wanted to come out and defend you, but I figured that would’ve done more harm than good.”

“Probably.” She crawled into his lap. “But I think I’ll be okay. It’s nothing you can’t fix.”

She kissed him hard and he kissed back harder. They undressed each other desperately and he pushed her down on the bunk. She moaned loudly when he entered her.

He fucked her hard. And it was the perfect release she needed after the morning she’d had.

“Ward!” She screamed, her nails leaving scratches on his back.

“This is just what you needed, isn’t it, baby girl?” He kissed and bit at her neck and chest, probably leaving hickies she’d have to cover later.

“Yes!” She screamed, both in pleasure and in response to his question.

When they were finished, she put her clothes back on and walked to the door.

“I better get back to the lab.” She told him.

“Feel better, baby?” He asked.

“I do now.” She smiled.

Jemma walked down to the lab with a confidence she hadn’t had walking in. Did she look like she’d just gotten fucked hard? Probably. But it didn’t matter.

She was definitely a bad person. But something about Ward made her not care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re enjoying this. Let me know what you think of it so far. 
> 
> I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	3. Chapter 3

Fitz had broken up with her, and no longer spoke to her unless he had to. Neither did Skye. Jemma had thought that was her karma for sleeping with Ward. She was wrong.

She was truly getting a taste of her own medicine now. And she never could have guessed just how bitter that taste would be.

Ward was sleeping with May. And here Jemma had thought he really liked her. Apparently she was wrong.

“Hey, Simmons, guess what I found out?” Skye called to her as she approached her in the lab. She had a sly smile on her face that made Jemma nervous.

“What?”

“Ward is fucking May.” Jenna’s jaw dropped, and she felt her stomach do the same.

“D-did you tell May that I cheated on Fitz?” She asked shyly. “Did you tell her I’m sleeping with Ward?”

“No. May never would have slept with him if she knew. Unlike some people, that’s not her m.o..”

The next day, Jemma ended up alone in a van with May, running comms on a mission with May. Coulson and Ward were undercover, while Skye and Fitz were in the van next to theirs so Skye could hack into the servers. If something were to go horribly wrong, May could go in as back up and Jemma could treat any injuries. Hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that.

But there wasn’t a lot for them to do. Coulson and Ward had gone silent, as not to raise suspicions. So she was left sitting in silence, with the other woman sleeping with Ward.

May seemed perfectly content to sit in silence, as usual. But Jemma just couldn’t take it.

“Can I talk to you about something?” She asked.

“No.”

“I just wanted to ask you about something Skye said.”

“No.” May shot her down again. “We need to focus. They could come back on comms and say they need our help any moment.”

Jemma sat for a few minutes. But she really wanted to confront May about this. And May deserved to know what was going on, since she assumed Ward didn’t tell her. She figured she needed to say it in a way that would get her attention. She needed to say something May couldn’t ignore.

“So, Ward’s pretty good in bed, huh?” Jemma immediately regretted her choice of words.

“Excuse me?” May turned to look at her, an unreadable expression on her face.

“I’ve always thought so.” Jemma figured she might as well keep talking. She’d clearly gotten May’s attention. “There’s something about how hard and rough he is that’s just the perfect release after a bad day, you know? And I thought he was enjoying our time together too. So what do you have that I don’t? Perhaps he wanted a woman to take control in bed. I was that way with Fitz, but with Ward, I always let him dominate me. But maybe he doesn’t want that. You seem like the kind of woman who would take control.”

“Simmons, back up.” May looked confused. “Are you trying to tell me that you’re sleeping with Ward? Because I had no idea. I thought you were dating Fitz.”

“I was, but he broke up with me.” She explained. “Because I was sleeping with Ward. So honestly, I deserve this, so I’m not here to ask you to stop or anything. I just wanted this to be out in the open.”

“Simmons, if it means that much to you, I can stop.” She told her. “It’s not a big deal.”

“You don’t have to.” Jemma shook her head. “It’s not like Ward and I are in a real relationship. We’re just fucking.”

“I’ll stop, anyway. I don’t want to make things weird. We need to be able to work as a team. Besides, he’s not who I really want to be with anyway.”

Jemma wondered what she meant by that last remark, but didn’t ask. It was none of her business, and she knew May wouldn’t tell her anyway. She was surprised she’d said as much as she did.

Besides, she heard Coulson and Ward turn their comms back in.

“We’re coming out.” Coulson told them. “We got what we needed.”

That night, Ward came to her bunk. Evidently, May really had ended things with him. He sat down next to her.

“Look, baby, I’m sorry.” He told her. “I know you found out about May. And I just wanted to say that I’m sorry and it won’t happen again. You deserve better than that.”

“It’s alright.” Jemma replied. “I absolutely deserved that. Besides, it’s not like we’re in a real relationship. It’s just sex, right?”

“It is. Unless you want it to be more.”

“What do you mean?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I really do like you, Jemma.” He took her hand. “So if you wanted this to be something more than just sex, I would be more than happy to try.”

“I think I’d like that.” She smiled.

“Good.” He kissed her. It was a little softer than their previous kisses, but it was just as passionate. And when he fucked her, he still had all the fire and roughness she needed.

“Ward!” She screamed.

“I think you can call me by my first name if we’re going to be in a relationship, baby girl.” His lips trailed down her neck and chest as he spoke.

“Grant,” she moaned.

“That’s it,” He lifted her hips a little higher, to reach her from a different angel. She moaned loudly. She was getting close. “Come on. Come for me, baby girl.”

A few moments later, she did, and he followed suit. Then, he laid down next to her and took her in his arms. He had never done that before. She cuddled up against him.

Would Ward be a good boyfriend? Probably not. Was he the boyfriend she deserved? Absolutely.

Would he change his ways now that they were dating? Would he stop sleeping around? She doubted it. But that was okay. Because she doubted she would either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m working on a playlist for this fic/Jemma Simmons in general. If you have any songs that would be good, leave them in the comments.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you this chapter. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a few weeks since Jemma had started dating Ward. As far as she knew, he had remained faithful to her. But she had no way to know for sure. She saw the way he looked at Skye. And given how mad Skye still was at her, she wouldn’t put it past her to sleep with him just to give her a taste of her own medicine. As if she hadn’t gotten that already.

Anyway, she had never really envisioned herself staying faithful to Ward, whether he was to her or not. When she saw something, or someone, that she wanted, she was going to get it. And damn, did she see someone she wanted right now.

Coulson’s old friend John Garrett had joined the team for a mission, and so had a member of his team, Antoine Triplett. Trip was smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. And he seemed just as attracted to Jemma as she was to him.

Jemma and Trip got close fairly quickly. When Skye got shot on a mission, he was there to comfort her. He understood that she still cared about Skye, even though their friendship had been strained as of late. She didn’t tell him exactly why, she didn’t figure he needed to know, but she told him that she would never forgive herself if Skye died before they got the chance to make up. Which was true. It just wasn’t the whole truth.

One afternoon, after Skye had been saved, Trip came down to the lab. Fitz still didn’t speak to her unless absolutely necessary, so their time in the lab was often spent in awkward silence. So she lit up when Trip walked into the room.

“Trip,” she greeted him excitedly. “What brings you down here?”

“I just dropped by to see you.” He smiled. “I wasn’t having the best day, and your beautiful face is just what I needed to see.”

“Well, the pleasure is all mine.”

They talked and flirted for quite awhile while she worked. Fitz made a point of giving them several disgusted looks, but outwardly she ignored it. Inwardly, she was actually glad. He was jealous and she could tell.

“You know, you really are beautiful.” Trip told her, his hand intentionally brushing hers.

“Thank you.” She turned to face him. “You’re pretty handsome yourself.”

He closed the gap between them and kissed her. She latched on and kissed back passionately, not caring if Fitz was watching, which she knew he was.

He pulled away all too soon, but with a smile on his face.

“I probably better find Garrett.” He said. “But I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” She replied. “See you later.”

“I thought you were dating Ward.” Fitz commented when Trip left the lab.

“I am.” Jemma admitted.

“You really are the worst, aren’t you?” He remarked. “Will you ever change?”

“Fitz, I warned you a long time ago that I’m nothing but trouble.” She rolled her eyes. “And we all know I’ll never change.”

That night, Jemma found Trip in the living room playing a board game with Skye and Ward. Ward was losing and he was clearly annoyed. Trip and Skye looked like they were having fun though. Jenna smiled and sat down next to Trip.

“Bonding with the team, I see.” She remarked to him.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I’m learning that they’re very competitive. But so am I.”

“And he’s learning that Ward is a sore loser.” Skye teased. “And that I’m very clever.”

“I never doubted either of those things.” He replied. “You wanna join?” He offered Jemma.

“Oh, no thanks.” She shook her head. “You guys seem pretty far into it already.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Jemma watched them finish their game. Skye won, and Ward was not happy. Though whether it was more from losing the game or from the way Jemma was flirting with Trip, she wasn’t sure.

Jemma was about to head back to her bunk when Skye stopped her.

“Hey, Jemma,” she called after her.

Jemma turned around, a feeling of dread rising. What was Skye going to rub in her face now?

“What do you want?” She asked.

“I actually wanted to apologize for how I’ve been acting.” She told her. “You fucked up big time. You did a really bad thing. But I can’t hold that against you forever. That and Coulson said my ‘hostile attitude’ towards you was starting to affect the team.” Jemma laughed a little. “So, what do you say we start over. Friends again?”

“I’d like that.”

Jemma went back to her bunk with a smile. Skye had once been her best friend, and to lose her because of her own mistakes had hurt like hell. She was relieved that she was giving her a second chance. A second chance she was about to immediately risk blowing.

A few minutes after she got back to her bunk, she heard a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” She called.

“Take a guess.” The visitor replied.

“Trip?” She hadn’t been expecting him. “Come in.”

He walked in with a smile and she motioned for him to sit next to her on her bed.

“I thought you and Garrett were leaving.”

“He already left.” He explained. “He wouldn’t tell me where, but whatever he’s doing, he won’t need me. So he gave me permission to stay with you guys tonight. I really like it on the Bus. Coulson’s got a good team here.”

“There are so many things you could spend your evening here doing.” She commented. “You could spar with Ward, you could hack into classified files with Skye, you could talk about your grandfather with Coulson, I’m sure he would love to hear about it. You could go to the cockpit and talk to May, and by that I mean you could talk to her while she ignores you. If she likes you she might let you stay and look out the window. If she really likes you, she might even give a one word response to something.”

“Are you getting at a point here?”

“My point is, you could be doing anything. But you’re in my bunk.”

“I wanted to spend some more time with you.” He told her. “Would you like that?”

“I would.”

“Good.”

Jemma could have made small talk with him. She could have asked him about his missions with Garrett, or his childhood, or his grandfather and the Howling Commandos. Instead, she kissed him.

He pulled her into his lap and deepened the kiss. She started to undress him as they made out.

“It’s a little cramped in here.” He remarked, as they tried to take their pants off.

“We make it work.” She replied.

When they were naked, she pushed him down on the bed and lowered herself down on him.

“Shouldn’t we use a condom?” He asked.

“I’m on birth control.” She told him.

Even if she wasn’t, she didn’t care at that point. He felt even better than she had imagined.

He pulled her down to him and kissed her again while she rode him. His hands moved to play with her breasts.

“Trip,” she moaned into his mouth.

“God,” he groaned. “You’re good at this.”

“Thanks.” She had a lot of practice, but she didn’t say that part.

His lips moved to her neck.

“Fuck,” she moaned. “You’re not bad yourself.”

When they finished, he got up and got dressed. She just laid there naked and let him admire her. He couldn’t take his eyes off her.

“Did I mention you’re beautiful?” He asked before he left. “Because you are. You are absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thanks.” She blushed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jemma wondered what Ward would do if he found out. He’d probably be pissed. She liked the thought of him getting all worked up over her sleeping with another man. She smirked. She was the fucking worst and she knew it. And she couldn’t give a shit less.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll have more soonish, but it’ll probably take a little longer than usual. I’m going on vacation in a few days and I don’t know how much time I’ll have to write.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back from vacation (tho I wrote this chapter while I was gone)

Jemma wondered what Ward would do if he found out she slept with Trip. But she hadn’t expecting to find out so soon.

The next day, she went into the living room to see Ward and Trip in a physical fight. They didn’t say much as they exchanged punches. Trip let out a grunt of pain as Ward knocked his head into the table, but he quickly kicked him off and pinned him to the ground.

Jemma knew she shouldn’t be happy about this. But she couldn’t help but smirk as she watched them. They were fighting over her. She had made Ward that jealous. And in some twisted way, that made her happy. Very happy.

The fight was broken up when Coulson walked in.

“Ward, Trip, knock it off. Now.” He ordered. He looked pissed. This clearly wasn’t how he wanted to start his day. “Trip, if you can’t get along with my team, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. And I’d hate to do that. I think you could really be an asset here.”

“Agent Ward started it, sir.” Trip explained. “I was sitting on the couch when he came in here and dragged me to my feet. Then he attacked me. It was like he had hunted me down or something.”

“He slept with my girlfriend, sir.” Ward told him, gesturing to Jemma, standing in the corner. “I needed to make sure he knew she was mine.”

“You know, speaking would have been a better way to get that message across.” Trip replied. “Because I had no idea you two were dating.”

Coulson turned his stern gaze to Jemma.

“And you just watched them fight over you like teenagers?” He asked.

“Sort of.” She admitted. “But, I had no way to know what they were fighting about. And I wasn’t going to get involved. It’s not like I’m strong enough to break them apart.”

“Simmons, you had to know they were fighting over you.” He shot back. He turned his gaze back to Ward and Trip. “The two of you need to either stay away from each other, or figure out how to get along. I’d really hate to have to throw one of you out of the Bus.”

“Yes, sir.” They both nodded.

“And Simmons, I would like to speak with you in my office.” He told her.

“So they were fighting, but I’m the one in trouble.” She retorted. “Makes sense.”

“Don’t argue with me.” He replied.

She nodded and followed him to his office. She sat down across from him, not wanting to hear whatever he had to say, but knowing she had no choice but to listen.

“Simmons, you are a brilliant scientist.” Coulson began. “And you’re an excellent agent. You’re a real asset to this team. But you are also trouble.” 

“Oh good, it’s the ‘Oh, Jemma, you’re so smart, if only you weren’t a pain in the ass’ speech. I’ve never heard that before.” She rolled her eyes.

“Knock off the attitude, Simmons.” He snapped. “I’m not going to tolerate it.”

Jemma glared, but didn’t say anything. 

“Now, it isn’t my place to tell you how to live your life.” He continued. “What you do in your bed is none of my business. However, when it starts to affect the rest of the team, it becomes my business. I understand that cheating on your boyfriends seems to be your m.o., but I’m going to have to ask you to stop. Break up with Ward, or stop sleeping with Trip, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I just can’t have them fighting on my airplane. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Will you actually do what I’m asking of you?” He questioned.

“I would like to be able to say so, but if I’m being honest, probably not.” She admitted. “I’m trouble. I’m no good. It’s just who I am.”

“You can change, Simmons.” He insisted. “But only if you’re willing.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know if I am.” She told him. “I’ve tried to change before. I tried to change for Fitz. But I couldn’t. Because I kind of like being this way. And sooner or later, you’ll accept that. And you’ll give up on me, like my family, and my exes, and everyone else who’s tried to ‘help me’ change my ways.”

“I won’t give up on you.” He replied. “You deserve better than that. And you deserve better than you think you do.”

She felt oddly touched by his words. No one had ever approached her habits with a genuinely caring attitude before. When people had tried to help before, they had been judgmental and rude, talking to her like she was just some dirty whore that needed straightening out. Which to be fair, she didn’t disagree. 

“Thank you, sir.” She gave him a small smile. 

Jemma left his office to find Skye waiting for her.

“I’m sorry.” She told her. “You forgave me for what I did to Fitz, only for me to immediately do the same thing to Ward. I’m sure you thought I was going to change. I’m sure you feel like I let you down.”

“Honestly, Ward had it coming.” Skye replied. “So what did AC have to say?”

“He told me that what I do in my bed is none of his business, but I can’t cause fights on the Bus.” Jemma explained.

“Is that all?” She asked. “‘Cause you look like he said something a little more meaningful than that.”

“He just, he made me feel like he really cares about me.” She shrugged. “Like maybe I’m a better person than I give myself credit for.”

“I think you are.” Skye smiled. “Now let’s grab something to eat.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	6. Chapter 6

For about the first week after Trip found out Jemma was dating Ward, he didn’t speak to her. Ward seemed to have gotten over it. But he did start making more overt public displays of affection with her, just to get the message across that she was his. She really didn’t mind.

Ward had admitted that Fitz had warned him that she might be sleeping with Trip. He had been expecting it, and he had secretly been watching her the day that it happened.

Jemma decided she was going to make a real effort to change. She really did like Ward. And perhaps Coulson had been right. She was above cheating on him, even if he had cheated on her. She was a better person than that. Or at least she could be.

The more Jemma committed to Ward, the more she realized she liked him. He was perfect for her. He was a bad boy. He knew she had a penchant for trouble, and he loved that side of her. They decided they would get in trouble together.

One night, after a mission, they snuck away from a group to a strip club. They got hammered, and maybe a little high. They blew way too much money and had the time of their lives doing it. When the club closed, they fucked in the car before heading back to the Bus. When they got back, Ward invented a cover story for them about Jemma getting really sick that everyone seemed to buy.

Jemma really loved Ward. She thought she could be with him forever. Until she found out the truth about him.

SHIELD had fallen as Hydra revealed themselves among their ranks. Jemma has just barely survived in the Hub with Trip. Trip was evidently beginning to trust her again, and Jemma was grateful. They could have just as easily turned on each other in front of Victoria Hand and gotten each other killed. But they both swore loyalty to SHIELD and insisted the other were trustworthy.

Jemma didn’t think it could get worse than having to flee with the team and trek miles through cold tundra to one of Fury’s secret bases. They had already found out Garrett was the real Clairvoyant. That people they had trusted and respected had been Hydra all along. That SHIELD was no more.

But then, they returned from a mission with Coulson to find that Ward had murdered Koenig and run off with Skye. Skye had left them a note confirming that this was exactly what it looked like. Ward was Hydra.

Jemma was furious. She loved him. She trusted him. She had tried to change for him. And he had been lying to her all along. She had been betrayed by people she loved before. She had betrayed people she loved before. But this was a whole new level. She could never forgive Ward for this. Ever. They were over. And she would make sure he knew that one way or another.

Coulson had managed to save Skye, although they didn’t get the Bus back, and the team managed to hunt Ward and Garret down in Cuba. Coulson had called a mission briefing to explain the plan.

“May, Simmons, Skye, and I are going to infiltrate Garrett’s base and hack into their systems.” He told them. “I want Fitz and Trip to go to the airport to search for the Bus.”

“Sir, with all due respect, I’d rather have Simmons with me.” Fitz argued. “If there are still people at their base, Trip will be more useful at fighting than Simmons.”

“Are you sure you want her with you?” Coulson asked. “Because I had kind of assumed you wouldn’t. I don’t want two exes trying to feed each other to the wolves if things go south.”

“I would never betray her, sir.” Fitz promised.

Jemma wasn’t sure how to feel about the argument unfolding. How could Fitz trust her enough to go on this mission alone with him after everything she’d done?

“Simmons, is this okay with you?” Coulson asked.

“Of course, sir.” She agreed. She knew she would be more useful with Fitz, and she wanted nothing more than to see Ward go down in flames.

“Then it’s settled.” He stated. “Simmons will go with Fitz, Trip goes with May, Skye, and myself. We leave in ten.”

As people started to go prepare, Coulson stopped Jemma.

“Simmons, I want to talk to you.” He called. She turned around and walked back to him.

“What is it, sir?”

“I know you and Ward were dating.” He said. “I know you loved him. I just want to make sure that your loyalties are truly with us. I need to know that if you run into him, you’re not going to abandon us and join him. That was the reason I wanted you with me, but I understand it makes more sense for you to go with Fitz.”

“I would never betray SHIELD.” She vowed. “I would never betray you and the team. You guys are my family. Ward can burn in Hell.”

Coulson smiled.

“Hopefully, he will soon enough.”

It didn’t take Jemma and Fitz long to locate the Bus at the airport. However, there appeared to already be people on board. In fact, it looked like they were taking off soon.

But worst of all, Ward found them and took them prisoner on the plane. Ward handed Fitz off to other Hydra agents on the plane, but he requested to speak to her alone.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here, baby girl.” He gave her a smile that made her a little nauseous. “Switching sides? Hydra is the perfect place for you to let out the inner bad girl you try to hide from everyone. You wouldn’t have to hide who you really are here. You could just be yourself.”

“Fuck you.” She spat back. “I would rather die than join Hydra. I am a SHIELD agent. That’s who I am. I may not be a good girl, but I am certainly not a Nazi.”

“I’m not a Nazi-,”

“You’re a fucking Nazi.” She cut him off. “That’s literally what Hydra is. A bunch of Nazis. And you fit right in amongst them, you sick psychopath.”

“I don’t think you understand, baby girl.” He shook his head. “If you don’t join us, Garrett is going to have you killed.”

“What part of ‘I would rather die than join Hydra’ didn’t you get, Ward?” She asked. “If you’re going to kill me for being loyal to SHIELD, then so be it. At least I can say I died for something worth dying for.”

“Jemma, please, baby, I don’t want you to die.” He grabbed her hand. “You don’t have to do this. You can be with me. You can have me here to protect you.”

“I don’t want to be with you, and I sure as hell don’t want your protection.” She pulled her hand away. “I hate you. I fucking hate you.”

“You’re a terrible liar, baby girl.” He reaches for her again, but she backed away. “You might be trying to convince yourself that you hate me, but you love me and you know it. And guess what? I love you too.”

“I don’t want you to love me.” Tears welled up in her eyes. She tried to hold them back. “You’re sick, and disgusting, and evil. I don’t want you to love me. And I’m sure as hell not joining Hydra.”

“Then I have no choice but to take you to Garrett.” He grabbed her arm. “Your fate is in his hands now, and I can guarantee you aren’t going to like what he decides.”

“Anything would be better than staying with you.”

Ward just rolled his eyes and dragged her to Garrett. Fitz was already out there with another agent.

“What do you want to do with them, sir?” Ward asked.

“Take care of them, Ward.” He ordered. “You can handle them yourself, right?”

“Of course, sir.”

Ward took Fitz’s arm as well and dragged him down the hall. Jemma kicked Ward and managed to break away, and Fitz followed her.

They locked themselves in a medpod. Which turned out to be a mistake. Because Ward opened the panel to eject it.

“Ward, please don’t do this.” Fitz begged.

“Ward, you said you loved me.” Jemma yelled. She thought she was prepared to die for SHIELD, but now that she was actually doing it, she wasn’t so sure. “Please, don’t kill me. You love me.”

“I do.” Ward confessed. “But you made your choice. And that choice has consequences.”

He pressed the button.

Jemma had fallen from the plane to a certain death before, but that time, Ward had jumped to save her. This time, Ward had thrown her out. It was simultaneously the most heartbreaking and terrifying moment of her life.

Miraculously, she and Fitz survived the fall. But they were still stuck at the bottom of the ocean with no way out. She was going to die down here with Fitz.

Jemma knew she couldn’t die without making sure he knew how sorry she was. She was sorry she had cheated on him with a Hydra scumbag. Sorry she had hurt him. Sorry he had to die down here with her.

“Fitz, I’m so sorry.” She told him. “I know I’ve told you this before, but I’m sorry I cheated on you with Ward. I’m sorry I ever looked at him. I should’ve known he was a traitor.”

“Jemma, you can’t blame yourself for that.” He replied. “No one knew.”

“But they weren’t dating him.” She argued. “There weren’t fucking him all the time.”

“May slept with him.”

“A few times.” Jemma rolled her eyes. “But they weren’t in a relationship. She didn’t cuddle him, or go on dates, or sneak out after missions and get high.”

“What the hell?” He raised an eyebrow. “You did that?”

“Just once.” She clarified. “But I would’ve done it again if…” she trailed off. “But none of that is the point. The point is, I’m sorry I ever slept with him. And I’m sorry you never got the chance to move on to someone better. You deserved so much better than me.”

“Jemma, I forgave you a long time ago.” He replied. “I never got the chance to tell you. And as for moving on, or whatever future I could’ve had, there’s no point mourning something you can’t have. Besides, there’s worse ways to go. At least we won’t actually drown. We’ll just die of thirst.”

“I guess it’s fitting that I’ll die down here.” She remarked, turning to look out the window. “My body will go back into the ecosystem. Who knows, I might even become part of something beautiful.” She sighed. “And the view out this window isn’t a bad one, for the last thing I’ll ever see.”

They sat in silence for a moment, until Jemma realized something.

“Fitz, the windows!” She exclaimed. “We can increase the pressure in the medpod, the window will burst and we can get out!”

“Jemma, you’re a genius.” He jumped to his feet.

They quickly planned their escape and had everything set up and ready to go. But they realized there was a serious problem.

“Fitz, there’s only enough oxygen for one person.” Jemma’s heart sank. She was going to die down here after all.

“You take it.” Fitz told her.

“No, Fitz.” She shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. “You should take it. You deserve the chance to live a happy life. And you will. I know it. You’ll find someone wonderful, someone much better than me. And you’ll have a happy future together. You deserve it.”

“No, Jemma. You have to take it.” He insisted. “I can’t let you die.”

“You have to.” She cried. “After everything I’ve done to you, I can’t take it. I’m already the one who broke your heart. I can’t be the one responsible for your death too.”

“I’d rather die than live without you, Jemma.” He confessed. “I’m still in love with you. And I always will be. So you have to take it.”

The next thing she knew, she was blown out of the window with the oxygen, dragging Fitz along behind her. She couldn’t leave him there. She had to give him a chance to live.

Everything was a blur after that. Nick Fury had apparently heard the distress call they sent out and had arrived to save them. When she woke up, she found out Fitz would live, but would likely have permanent brain damage from how long he was without oxygen.

In that moment, she hated herself more than ever. She was a terrible person. She had cheated on Fitz, then dated a man who turned out to be a Nazi, and had cheated on him as well. She was a terrible person. She didn’t deserve to be the one who would walk away from this okay. But she was. Because Fitz was still in love with her.

She couldn’t deal with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re enjoying this story so far. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this fic, Ward escapes SHIELD shortly after he’s captured.

A few weeks had passed since the uprising. Garrett had been killed. They had settled into The Playground, and Coulson seemed to be adjusting to his new role as Director. Ward had been captured, but had managed to escape. No one had seen or heard anything of him since.

Everything seemed to be going back to normal. But things didn’t seem normal to Jemma. Nothing felt right. Fitz was recovering, but his brain damage was severe. And she felt like this was just as much her fault as it was Ward’s. He insisted she take the oxygen because he loved her. She should’ve found a way to make him take it. He deserved it more.

It was selfish, but she just couldn’t stand to be around him. The pain and the guilt were too much to bear. She needed to get away from it all. Besides, she figured he would recover faster without her there as a constant reminder of everything. 

Jemma took a deep breath and knocked on the door to Coulson’s office.

“Come in.” He called. He looked up from some papers when she walked in. “Simmons? Is something wrong?”

“Sort of.” She replied, walking over to stand across from him. “I need to get out of here for a while.”

“Do you want to leave SHIELD?” He asked. “I would hate to see you go, but after everything you’ve been through, I understand if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t want to leave SHIELD, sir.” She shook her head. “I have no intention to do so. I just need to get away from the Playground for a while.”

“Do you want to go home for a few weeks?”

“God no.” She denied again. “I’ve spoken to my family once since the uprising, and they got upset with me for not leaving SHIELD. They think I’m some kind of terrorist. I doubt they’d be happy if I showed up on their doorstep. This is my family now, sir.”

“Then why do you want to leave?” He sounded confused. “And where do you want to go?”

“I just can’t be around everyone right now.” She explained. “What happened to Fitz is my fault, and I can’t even bear to look at him. I know it’s selfish, but I just can’t be here right now.”

“That’s completely understandable, Simmons.” He reassured her. “But where exactly do you want to go?”

“Is there anyway you could send me away on a mission?”

“I don’t know if you noticed, but there’s not a lot of places I can send you right now.” He sighed. “There is an undercover mission I’ve been wanting to send someone on. While SHIELD has been rebuilding, so has Hydra. I want to send someone in undercover as a Hydra agent and have them report back to me. But I don’t know how comfortable I feel sending you into the lion’s den like that.”

“Do you not think I can handle it?”

“Actually, I think you could.” He told her. “But only if you want to. It would take some work, and you’d definitely need some undercover training, but I think you could handle it. You’re getting better at lying.”

“Thank you.” She smiled.

“So, do you think you’re up for it?”

“I do, sir.”

Jemma left his office and went down to the kitchen to get a drink, pondering the decision she’d just made. Was she really cut out to go undercover at Hydra? She wasn’t sure.

When she got to the kitchen, Trip was already there, eating some chips.

“Hey, Simmons.” He greeted her with a smile. “Want some?”

“No thanks.” She shook her head. “I’m just getting some water.”

“How about dinner?” He offered.

“Are you asking me out?” She raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you would try that again after I used you to cheat on Ward.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance.” He replied. “Besides, you’re single now, aren’t you?”

“Yes. But I intend to keep it that way. I think it’s best if I stay away from relationships right now.”

“I understand.” He nodded. “But if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”

Jemma went back to the lab and idly ran over the results of some experiments. Then her phone buzzed. It was a message from Coulson.

“You start your undercover training with me and May tomorrow at six a.m. sharp. Meet us in the gym.”

The next morning, Jemma walked down to the gym nervously. She’d had very basic field training in the Academy, but was never cleared for the field. She had gained all of her field knowledge through experience with Coulson’s team, and it was admittedly not much. Especially not when it came to undercover work.

“Good morning.” She greeted Coulson and May, who were already waiting for her.

“Morning.” Coulson replied. May just nodded. “Now, Simmons, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure you can handle this?” May asked.

“Yes.”

“Good.” She replied. “I’m going to teach you some basic fighting skills, mostly self-defense, in case you’re attacked.”

“Can you teach me how to dislocate my wrist so I can escape if I end up captured and tied up?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” May replied. “You’ll be undercover as a Hydra scientist, not a field agent, so I’m not overly concerned about fighting. What I’m more concerned about are your lying skills.”

“I’ll admit I’m not the best liar, but I am improving.”

“You need to learn how to lie on the spot.” May continued. “How to maintain a lie. How to maintain a cover story and not tell lies that contradict each other. You’re a terrible liar under pressure. Would you care to remind me what happened at the Hub with Skye?”

“I panicked and shot Agent Sitwell.” Jemma admitted. “But he turned out to be Hydra anyway, so I don’t feel bad about that anymore.”

May rolled her eyes.

“When given time to prepare a cover, you did better.” She went on. “However, you created an unnecessary scene with Coulson on the train.”

“In her defense, she pulled off the lie, she just took it too far.” Coulson remarked. “And she did manage to keep the fact that she was sleeping with Ward a secret from Fitz for quite awhile.”

“That was uncalled for.” Jemma snapped.

“Moving on.” May interrupted. “We’ll start with creating a cover story for you. No fake name or identity. You’re simply a former SHIELD scientist who switched sides during the uprising. Nothing complicated, no whole big backstory. Just one lie you need to maintain.”

“I can do that.” She nodded.

“I hope so.”

“Hail Hydra.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was mostly just to set up for her being undercover at Hydra. I have quite a few ideas coming up from that. 
> 
> I hope you’re enjoying this. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how joining Hydra works, so I just wrote it like applying for a job. So if I’m way off, don’t @ me.

A few weeks later, after Coulson and May decided she was ready, she sent in her application to Hydra. With her credentials and experience, she was hired after just one interview. An interview in which she was proud to say she played the part of Hydra loyalist well. Her story was that she switched sides when she realized she could have better scientific opportunities at Hydra than SHIELD, and had simply kept it a secret until the uprising.

A week later, she walked down the hallway to her new apartment. Coulson was helping her get settled in. Only Coulson and May knew where she was going. Everyone else thought she had gone home.

The apartment seemed small and empty now, but she was hopeful it would be a cozy home for her. At least until she could go back to SHIELD.

After he helped her unpack, he made her dinner.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked while they ate.

“I am.” She nodded. “Besides, I start tomorrow. It’s a little late to back out now. I am quite nervous, though.”

“I have complete faith in you.” He told her. “You’re going to be just fine. You handled your interview perfectly. And you’re a good agent. And a brilliant scientist. You’re going to do great, Simmons.”

“Thank you, sir.” She smiled. “That means a lot coming from you.”

He stayed to help her clean up dishes before heading to the door.

“We’ve discussed how to keep each other updated. You know how to contact us if there’s an emergency. Is there anything else you need before I go?”

“Will you keep me updated on how the team is doing?” She asked.

“Of course.” He agreed. “Anything else?”

“No. I think I’m all set.”

“This is from the whole team.” He gave her a hug before he left. “Good luck, Simmons.”

The next morning, Jemma got out of bed and went to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and stared at the woman looking back at her. She had cut her hair and gotten some highlights a few days ago. It was a cliche thing to do, change your hairstyle when you’re going through some shit. But it made her feel better somehow. The new hairstyle made her feel more mature, more confident. Like she was putting the past behind her and starting over. A new chapter. That she would be spending undercover at Hydra.

She sighed. It suddenly felt very real in a way it hadn't before. In a few short hours, she would be starting her first day at Hydra.

She took a deep breath and washed her face. She threw her hair up into a ponytail and went back to her room to change out of her pajamas and into some workout clothes. She had taken to starting her day with a run, in this case on her new treadmill. Well, it was used, but it was new to her. She needed to stay fit if she was going to be a real field agent. Besides, running was a good way to wake up her mind and body.

When she finished, she went back to the bathroom and took a shower before getting dressed for the day. She grabbed breakfast on her way to work.

When she arrived, she was given a security badge and a senior Hydra scientist led her up to the labs. The other scientists were polite to her, and she was polite in return, introducing herself and acting happy to be there, but she mostly kept to herself.

During the first week, she got a feel for how things worked there, and from the experiments and assignments she was being given, she could make vague guesses at what Hydra might be up to. All of which she covertly reported back to Coulson.

Overall, everything was fine, or as fine as it could be. At least it was until, she ran into a certain familiar face she was very much hoping not to run into. She had stepped onto an empty elevator on her lunch break. She generally preferred to have the elevator to herself, rather than have the uncomfortable company of strangers with evil intentions. But she would’ve preferred any random stranger to the man who stepped onto the elevator with her.

“I had heard you were the newest addition to our labs, but I didn’t quite believe it.” Ward remarked. “I thought you said you would rather die than join Hydra. What changed, baby girl?”

“I was just mad at you for lying to me.” She replied. “And I didn’t want to betray Fitz. I had hurt him enough.”

“You almost got both of you killed.”

“But we survived.” She shrugged.

“I’m glad.” He told her. “I didn’t want to kill you. And I’m glad you’re here.”

“I couldn’t stay there.” She said. “I couldn’t live a lie anymore. You were right. Hydra is a better fit for me than SHIELD. So I left. I told them I was going home. No one knows I’m here.”

“Coulson would be pissed if he found out.”

“Which is why he can’t. I don’t want to hurt the team like that.”

“Someday, you might have to.” He replied, sounding almost sad. The elevator opened and they stepped out together. “Would you like to grab lunch?”

“Sure.” She agreed.

They walked down to a cafe a few blocks away, talking and laughing while they ate. And it almost felt like old times. Before the uprising. When they were dating.

“Jemma, you know I only threw you out of the Bus because I had to, right?” Ward asked. “I would never want to hurt you. I care about you. I love you.”

He was lying. He had to be. If he loved her, he wouldn’t have tried to kill her. He had been using her. He hated her. And she hated him. She wanted to put a bullet between his eyes. He tried to kill her. He tried to kill Fitz. She hated him. Didn’t she?

She was pissed and confused, but she buried her emotions down like May had taught her to. She had a cover to maintain. And Ward could be the perfect way to get more information on what Hydra was planning.

“I know you would never want to hurt me.” She smiled. “And I love you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. There will be a lot more undercover Jemma to come. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	9. Chapter 9

That night, when Jemma got back to her apartment, she called Coulson. She was usually supposed to send him messages through a flex screen, but finding Ward seemed too urgent for that.

“Simmons?” Coulson answered. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, it’s just that I found Ward, sir.” Jemma explained. “Or rather, he found me.”

“Does he know you’re a spy?” He asked, his voice tinged with worry.

“No, sir. He seems to think I switched sides. He also seems to think I’m still in love with him. And he says he still loves me.”

“What kind of sick son of a bitch throws someone they love into the ocean?”

“Ward.” She answered.

“So, what are you going to do?” He asked

“I’m going to kill him.” She’d thought about it a lot since lunch. And she had decided the best thing for everyone would be if Ward was dead. If she has the opportunity, why not take it? “I’m going to lure him somewhere secluded under the pretense of a date. Then I’m going to put a bullet in his head and dissolve his body in hydrofluoric acid.”

“You will do no such thing.” Coulson shot back. “You are not going to kill Ward. Do you understand me? You are not killing him.”

“What do you want me to do, then?” She questioned. “He’s dangerous.”

“I know.” He agreed. “But he also knows what’s going on at Hydra. He knows what they want. What they’re planning. Use him to get information. He already trusts you. Go along with the whole being in love thing. See what he’ll give up to you.”

“That’s a dangerous game for her to play.” Jemma heard May’s voice from the background. “You sure that’s what you want her to do?”

“You have a better idea, May?”

“May is in the room with you?” Jemma asked. “Has she been there the whole time? Did she hear everything?”

“I did.” May answered. “And I think she should find a way to turn him back into SHIELD custody. Lure him out on a date somewhere where someone is actually there to take him in.”

“And what happens if she’s connected to his capture?” Coulson argued. “Our best option is for her to try to get information out of him. If things go south or if it becomes a problem, we can come up with a plan to capture him. Because he’s not going to talk if we take him in now.”

“Fine.” May agreed.

“Alright, so do you understand your orders, Simmons?” Coulson asked.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Bye, Simmons.”

“Bye, Coulson.” She replied. “Bye, May.”

“Goodbye, Simmons.”

The next day, Jemma met up with Ward again for lunch. She kept up her act of being a Hydra loyalist who is head over heels in love with him. It wasn’t that hard, as long as she blocked the memory of what he had done to her. She could think about that and boil in rage when she was alone. Right now, she needed to make Ward believe her lies.

“You got plans tonight, baby girl?” Ward asked.

“No, why?”

“I thought I might take you out tonight.” He suggested. “Make it like old times. But even better, because now, there’s no SHIELD agents to lie to. We’re free to do whatever the hell we want.”

“I’d like that.” She smiled.

“I’ll pick you up at ten?”

“Sure.” She took out a notepad and scribbled down her address for him. “I’ll be ready and waiting.”

After work, she rushed back to her apartment. First, she called Coulson to tell him not to call her for any reason that night. Then she heated up a TV dinner from her freezer before getting ready for her date.

She put on tightest, shortest dress she owned. It was bright red, with a low neckline and off the shoulder straps. She did a full face of makeup to go with it, complete with matching red lipstick. Then she slipped on her highest red heels and waited for Ward to arrive.

Ward knocked on her door at ten on the dot. She crossed the room and opened the door. His eyes widened when he saw her.

“Damn, baby girl. Have I mentioned before how sexy you look with that new haircut?” She just blushed in response. He smirked. “By the way, I can’t wait to take that dress off you later. But I have something planned for you first.”

“I can’t wait.”

Ward took her to a strip club, because of course he did. They got shitfaced. They also each got a lap dance and blew way more money than they should have. But fuck it. It wasn’t like she planned on making a habit of it.

After a couple hours, Ward took her by the arm and dragged her into the bathroom. He locked the door behind them and pinned her against it.

“I was gonna wait til later, but that dress is coming off now.”

He kissed her hard and practically tore the dress off her body. She was lucky he didn’t actually rip it.

They desperately undressed each other as they made out. Then he pinned her to the ground and fucked her on the nasty bathroom floor.

When they finished, they put their clothes back on and stumbled back into the crowd. They looked absolutely disheveled, and her lipstick had been transferred from her lips, all over Ward’s body. But neither of them cared. And no one seemed to bat an eye at them.

They left the club and he took her back to her apartment, where he undressed her and fucked her again on the couch. When they finished, he grabbed a small bag of marijuana from his jacket and rolled a joint for each of them.

“Do you mind if I keep this here?” Ward asked, gesturing to the bag. “Daniel Whitehall drops by my place once in awhile, and I’d hate for him to find it. I don’t know what his feelings are on recreational marijuana, and I’d like to stay on his good side.”

“Daniel Whitehall?” Jemma raised an eyebrow. “As in one of the heads of Hydra? As in the most powerful head of Hydra?”

“The very one.” Ward was practically beaming with pride. “I’ve climbed up high enough in the ranks to get to know him personally. Or as personally as anyone can know him. Anyway, I’d hate for a few grams to undo all the hard work I’ve done. So can I keep it here?”

“Of course.” She agreed. Inside, she laughed to herself, finding it ironic that Ward was concerned a mass murderer would have a problem with drugs.

“You’re the best, baby girl.” He kissed her. “I’ll make sure to put in a good word to Whitehall for you.”

They laid back on the couch and got higher than hell. They talked for hours until they crashed. And when she woke up, she found him still sleeping peacefully next to her.

Jemma got up quietly so she wouldn’t wake him. She grabbed the bag and hid it in a kitchen cabinet, behind some cans. She’d find a better spot for it later.

She looked over and smiled at the sight of Ward still passed out naked on her couch. She was starting to think her plan could work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re enjoying this so far. I have so much more planned for her undercover mission. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Jemma’s backstory, which I created from information I’d already given in the story, as well as information about her from the actual show, especially season 6.
> 
> Warning, it’s pretty dark.

A couple of weeks passed. Jemma was starting to make progress on her mission. She knew Hydra was after Donnie Gill. They wanted him as an asset due to his freezing abilities.

She had also caught the attention of Sunil Bakshi and Daniel Whitehall. She had yet to meet Whitehall, but thanks to the influence of Ward, she had met Bakshi.

She managed to convince Bakshi she was loyal to Hydra, and he asked her to come on a mission to recruit Donnie. He explained that he would be more willing to cooperate if they came to him with someone he had previously known and trusted. She had agreed.

That night, when she entered her apartment, she heard someone moving around. That was odd. She hadn’t invited Ward over that night, and he didn’t have a key to her apartment. Had someone broken in? Could Hydra be raiding her apartment for evidence she was a spy?

She drew her gun from her jacket and crept around the corner, a million terrible scenarios running through her mind.

She entered the kitchen, pulling the gun on the intruder. Who turned out to be Coulson. She lowered the gun. At first she was relieved, until she saw the bag of marijuana and one of Ward’s jackets lying on the table next to him. Her stomach dropped. 

“Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” He asked. “I expected better from you, Simmons.”

“Sir, I can explain,” she tried to defend herself, but he stopped her.

“Just so we’re clear, this is Ward’s jacket, right? Because it’s clearly not yours.”

“It is.” She admitted.

“You invited Ward to your apartment.That was stupid. What if he found a flex screen or your SAT phone? You could’ve blown your whole mission.”

“I have those things hidden away.”

“Well I hope you hid them better than you hid this.” He picked up the bag. “Drugs in your cabinet, Simmons? Really?”

“It’s Ward’s.” She explained. “He asked me to keep it here because Daniel Whitehall drops by his apartment sometimes and he didn’t want him to find it. I couldn’t say no.”

“Couldn’t or didn’t want to?” He accused. “Because it’s not like you don’t use it.”

“Excuse me?”

“That night when you ‘got sick’ after a mission? May noticed you and Ward slip away. She tailed you. She saw you and Ward smoking pot in the alley behind the strip club.”

Jemma didn’t know what to say.

“Sir, I-,”

“I assumed that would just be a one time thing for you. But I was wrong.” He cut her off. “I really thought you were better than this, Simmons. I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you could handle this. But it looks like I was wrong. Because at this rate, you’ll blow this within a month.”

“I won’t blow this mission, sir.” She insisted. “I’ve gotten a lot better at lying.”

“I know.” He shot back. “And it looks like you’ve gotten better at causing trouble too.”

“Oh, trust me, I can get even better at both.” Jemma felt a spark of rebellion inside her.

“Don’t you dare talk back to me.” He raised his voice. “I thought you changed. I thought you were better than this. I thought you were done trying to be an edgy whore to get attention. But it looks like I was wrong about everything. Maybe this is who you are, Simmons. A lying, cheating whore desperate to rebel for no reason.”

Jemma felt tears well up in her eyes, and her anger grew inside her.

“You sound just like my mother.” She yelled back. “What are you gonna do now, beat me?”

For a moment, he stood there, stunned. It was so silent you could hear a pin drop. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke. 

“Simmons, did-, did your mother really beat you?”

Jemma couldn’t reply. She just nodded and broke down sobbing.

“I-I’m so sorry.” He pulled her into his arms.

For awhile, they stood there and he held her while she sobbed into his chest. Eventually, he led her to the couch and sat down with her, still holding onto her while she cried.

After a few minutes, she calmed down a little.

“Jemma, do you want to talk about it?” Coulson asked softly.

She sat up a little, but stayed right beside him.

“As long as I can remember, I’ve had darker thoughts and impulses. I was always different than everyone else. Part of it might have been because I was so smart, but I grew up too fast in every way, and that really wasn’t a good thing.” Jemma began. “Whenever I fucked up, as long as I can remember, my mother would scream at me and beat me. My father would comfort me, but he never did anything to stop her. The beatings just made me mad. Just made me want to rebel more. It felt good to rebel. It was the best way I had to say ‘fuck you’ to my mother. When I was little, I started fights with other kids at school. Maybe I was mad that I didn’t fit in with them and they didn’t want to play with me. One day I stabbed a girl with a fork at lunch. I was seven at the time. After that, my father gave me a music box to keep my darkest thoughts and fears in.”

“I take it that didn’t do much good.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I tried, but I didn’t know how to control my impulses. And honestly, deep down, I didn’t really want to. As I got older, my impulses and desires started to change. I understood that my actions hurt people, and I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. So I started hurting myself instead. When my parents found out, my father tried to get me to stop, my mother just screamed at me some more. I don’t think it ever occurred to either of them to get me help.”

“I’m so sorry, Jemma.”

“I was always taking classes with kids who were older than me. I was twelve when I started secondary school, at the same time I started taking college classes.” She continued. “I started hanging out with some older kids who were a horrible influence on me. I started skipping school with them, because I was bored in my secondary school classes anyway. I would drink and smoke the occasional joint with them, when they could afford to buy weed. I lost my virginity when I was twelve. The boy was seventeen. I got pregnant when I was 14. My parents were obviously pissed. But I thought everything would be fine.”

Jemma started to cry again as the memories came back to her. She took a deep breath and steadied herself before continuing.

“I knew that I needed to stop drinking and stuff if I wanted the baby to be healthy. But my friends convinced me to go have one last hurrah with them. That night, I decided to drive my sort of boyfriend, who also happened to be the father of the baby, back to his house, because I was slightly less drunk. But I was still too drunk to drive. I drove across the median head on into another car. My boyfriend was killed and I lost the baby. And it was all my fault.”

“I’m so sorry.” Coulson was crying now too.

“After the accident, I stopped everything. I threw myself into my coursework. Honestly, I probably took on too much, but I didn’t have time to get in trouble anymore. I forced all my impulses and desires, all my darkest fears into the music box like my father had told me to. Once in awhile, when I felt like it was overflowing, I would cut myself again. My parents knew I was cutting. And they seemed to think I was still doing everything else too. They just gave up on me.”

“Do you still cut yourself?”

“No. Fitz found out I was doing it when we were at the Academy, and he made me promise to stop.” She explained. “I have never broken that promise. After that, I just stopped ever letting anything out of the music box, no matter what. I started to seriously fear the version of myself that lived in there.”

“But you seem to have started letting things out of the box again. What happened?”

“I caught an alien virus and almost died.” She told him. “Then Ward jumped out of the plane to save me. We started getting closer, and I developed an attraction towards him. I mean, a strong, handsome, mysterious man risked his own life to save mine, how could I not fall for him a little? But I pushed it away. Until the incident at the Hub. The thrill that rebelling, that doing something bad brought came back to me. And I gave into my impulses again. Well, the less destructive ones, anyway. I’ve still kept my promise to Fitz, and I will never break that promise.”

“Jemma, I want you know that if you ever need to talk to someone, if you ever need help, that I’m here.” He paused. “If you want, I could even get you in touch with Melinda’s ex-husband. He’s a therapist.” 

“I’ll think about it.” She replied. “Thank you.” 

For a few moments, they sat in silence. The only person she’d ever told all of that to was Fitz. She wasn’t completely sure she should’ve told Coulson. But she felt like he deserved to know what her problem was. He seemed genuinely concerned for her.

Eventually, Coulson broke the silence.

“So I actually came here to make you dinner and talk about your mission.” He told her. “I got here and noticed that you only had beer and sriracha in your fridge, which I wanted to talk to you about, because you need to take better care of yourself.”

“I’ll try.” She told him.

“No, you won’t try. You will.” He insisted. “Promise me?”

“I promise.”

“Anyway, I went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff. I bet you’re starving. So how about I cook and you debrief?”

“Sounds good to me, sir.”

As he cooked, and they ate, Jemma told him about the progress she was making. She told him about meeting Sunil Bakshi and being picked for the mission to get Donnie Gill. And the possibility of meeting Daniel Whitehall.

“So being with Ward really is helping you get somewhere.” Coulson remarked. “Have you made any other friends?”

“Not really.” She admitted. “I try to be polite, but I mostly keep to myself.”

“I would suggest trying to get to know other colleagues.” He told her. “Just because you have a source in Ward doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to get more sources. The more information you can get, the better.”

“I’ll try my best, sir.”

“As for Ward, do what you have to, but be more careful.” He warned. “Be very careful to limit what he sees when he’s here. And definitely be more careful when hiding illegal substances for him. And please be careful using said substances. Preferably don’t use them at all, but if you have to, be careful. And if he offers you anything more than marijuana, tell him no. The last thing we need is for you to come back to the base addicted to heroine or something.”

“I’ll be more careful, sir.” She promised. “So, how is everyone?”

“Fitz is fine.” He replied. “He’s hanging in there.”

“That’s good.” She forced a smile.

Coulson helped her clean up the dishes from dinner, then grabbed his jacket to head out.

“I am very proud of your progress, Simmons.” He told her. “But remember what I told you. Stay safe.”

“I will.” He hugged her and started to leave, but turned around.

“Oh, and one more thing. Never give up on yourself. You are better than you think you are.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	11. Chapter 11

Two days later, Jemma was being escorted by Hydra agents onto a boat in Morocco. She was going to meet Donnie Gill. She had to convince him to join Hydra. To comply. She didn’t want to, but she couldn’t refuse without blowing her cover.

She approached him nervously.

“Simmons?” His face contorted in confusion. “You’re with Hydra now?”

“Yes.” She lied calmly. “I’m happy there and you will be too.”

“No.” He refused. “I will never join Hydra.”

“Donnie, what’s best is you comply.” She repeated the words she’d been taught. Hydra’s brainwashing mantra. “Compliance will be rewarded.”

“I won’t comply.” He grabbed the railing and started to freeze it.

“What’s best is you comply.” She repeated. “Compliance will be rewarded.”

Donnie bolted. What happened next was a blur. Agents chased after him, but he was already freezing the ship and for a moment she was trapped. But she got onto the deck in time to see Donnie take a bullet and fall over the railing. She turned around.

Skye had shot him. SHIELD was here too. And Skye had seen her in a Hydra uniform. She’d think she was a traitor. And she’d tell Fitz. And then he’d think she was a traitor too.

But there was no time to dwell on that. She had to get back on the plane with Sunil Bakshi and the other agents.

She was visibly sad, but she played it off as being disappointed she’d been unable to recruit Donnie before SHIELD took him out.

“You did your best, baby girl.” Ward comforted her when she got back. “We’d been trying to recruit him for awhile. He managed to resist every attempt.”

“It’s a pity SHIELD killed him.” She remarked.

“It is.” He agreed. “We would have gotten him eventually, one way or another. He would’ve made a great asset. But, Hydra has other potential assets. Not to mention much bigger projects to deal with.”

Jemma wanted to ask what projects he was talking about, but she knew he wouldn’t tell her then. She thought that perhaps she could get the information from him later, but it turned out she wouldn’t have to.

The next day, Kenneth Turgeon, the scientist who worked next to her, told her that Daniel Whitehall wanted them to join them in a meeting. And that meeting told her exactly what Ward was talking about.

Jemma sat between Ward and Kenneth. Everyone in the room sat up straighter when Daniel Whitehall entered.

Whitehall showed them photos of a mass murder attempt at the wedding of a Naval officer, that had of course been orchestrated by Hydra. They had tried to recreate the power of an object called the Obelisk.

Daniel Whitehall looked right at her. The evil was evident behind his eyes, and it sent chills down her spine.

“Ms. Simmons, you are an expert in alien artifacts.” He remarked to her. “Where would you say our scientists went wrong here?”

“I’m not entirely sure they did.” She replied.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think you can recreate the power of the Obelisk.” She explained. “You need the real object itself if you want to create its effects.”

“I see.” He nodded. “Well it’s a good thing we’ll have our hands on it soon enough.”

“Do you have any idea what this means?” She asked Kenneth. “We could kill millions of people. Perhaps even billions.”

“Pretty awesome, huh?” She smiled and nodded, inwardly horrified that genocide was his idea of a good time.

She took her lunch break alone that day, and sent a message to Coulson on the flex screen informing him that Hydra was after the Obelisk. Then she went back to her lab and got back to work. 

The meeting would’ve made the day eventful enough for Jemma’s taste, but that afternoon, an alarm went off, and a tall brunette woman in a red coat walked in the lab with Sunil Bakshi, escorted by several Hydra agents.

“I need everyone to step away from their desks, hands behind their head.” Bakshi announced.   
  
“We have a mole, ladies and gentlemen, right here in our very facility.” She held up a flex screen. “Someone has been sending messages to SHIELD. I’m to find out who it is, and Bakshi is going to make them suffer. Until then, no one leaves.”

Jemma’s heart was racing, but she remained calm. Because she had already put her flex screen in Kenneth Turgeon’s drawer. It didn’t take the woman long to find it.

“That’s not mine.” Kenneth panicked. “I’ve never seen that before in my life, I swear.”

They didn’t pay any mind to his denials. They just dragged him out of the lab, most likely off to Bakshi’s brainwashing room. Jemma let out a sigh of relief.

About an hour later, she went to the bathroom. When she came out of the stall, she ran into the brunette woman in the red coat.

“You look nervous.” The woman remarked.

“Just a little shaken up.” She replied. “Kenneth Turgeon was a mole for SHIELD the whole time and I had no idea.”

“Scary, isn’t it?” She asked. “Makes you wonder who else could be SHIELD. You’re not a mole too, are you?”

“No, of course not.” Jemma denied. “My loyalties are with Hydra.”

“They better be. What would we find if we searched your desk? Your computer?”

“Nothing but Hydra files.” She insisted. Which was true. She wasn’t keeping any SHIELD things here, apart from the flex screen she’d put in Kenneth’s desk.

“I sure hope so.”

The woman walked away. When she walked out of the bathroom, Ward was waiting for her.

“Hey, baby girl.” He greeted her. “I heard what happened. Are you alright?”

Jemma wanted to roll her eyes at his feigned caring. But she just smiled.

“I’m fine.” She replied. “Just a little shaken up.”

“Weird to think that someone you worked next to everyday was a mole the whole time, isn’t it?”

“It is, but it’s happened to me before.” She smirked.

“Hey, I’m sorry I lied, but you were lying too.” He defended.

“Well, at least neither of us have to lie here.” Jemma replied.

“You done working yet?”

“I have a couple things to finish up, but I’ll be done in a few minutes.”

“Wanna grab dinner?” He offered. “I have somewhere nice I’d like to take you afterwards.”

“Where?”

“It’s a surprise.” He smiled.

Jemma finished up at the lab and met Ward in the lobby twenty minutes later. They went to a Mexican restaurant and ate. Then he drove her to the surprise.

She started to get nervous when they left the city. After about a half an hour of driving, they came to a secluded area by a lake. For a brief moment, her nerves dissipated.

“This place is beautiful.” She remarked as they got out of the car.

But as they kept walking, she saw what her surprise was. And it was not nice at all. Sunil Bakshi was standing next to Kenneth Turgeon, who was tied up and on his knees.

“What is this?” Jemma asked.

“A test.” Ward answered. “Of your loyalty to Hydra.”

“When we found out Turgeon here was a mole, we naturally began to suspect you might be as well.” Bakshi explained. “You worked next to him every day. And you were SHIELD before. It’s not hard to suspect you might be working with him now.”

“I’m not, I swear.” She exclaimed.

“Then prove it.” Ward walked her closer to Kenneth and Bakshi. Then he handed her a gun. “Kill him.”

“What?”

“Kill him.” Ward repeated. “Prove your loyalty to Hydra. Kill the man who betrayed us.”

Jemma pointed the gun at Kenneth.

“Simmons, I swear I’m not with SHIELD. Please don’t kill me.”

She knew she could kill Ward and Bakshi and let Kenneth go. But he would turn her in. And there was no way for her to know that there weren’t Hydra agents waiting to take her if she didn’t comply.

“Please, don’t kill me.” He begged.

She took a deep breath. She knew Kenneth wasn’t lying. He really was Hydra. And he was evil. He was excited about killing billions of people. And she was SHIELD. It was her duty to protect the world from people like him.

If she killed him, she would rid the world of a piece of shit, and gain respect with Ward and Bakshi. They would believe she was a loyal Hydra agent.

She didn’t want to kill him. She didn’t want to kill anyone, except maybe Ward. She was tired of hurting people.

But she had no other choice. And she knew her compliance would be rewarded.

“Hail Hydra.” She declared.

Then she shot him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched the season 6 finale, and all I have to say is AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I’ll have more soon. As always, thanks for reading! :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: references to self-harm

Jemma spent the ride back to her apartment numbing her emotions. Trying to justify what she had done. The man she killed was Hydra. He was a Nazi. He was excited about the prospect of killing billions of people. The world would be better off without him. 

 

And she had gained the trust of Ward and Bakshi. They thought Kenneth Turgeon was the SHIELD agent. And by killing him she had proved that she was loyal to Hydra. 

 

But she had still killed someone. She had taken a life. While he looked at her and begged her not to do it. And she still hated herself for doing it. She had joined SHIELD to save people, not kill them. She was a scientist, not a specialist. Executing people while undercover at Hydra was not in her job description. 

 

Ward walked her up to her apartment. 

 

“I’m so proud of you, baby girl.” He told her at her door. He kissed her. “I love you.”

She wanted to throw up, or cry, or punch him. But she smiled instead. 

 

“I love you too.” She replied. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

As soon as she closed the door behind her, she ran to the bathroom, sick to her stomach. She threw up violently, dry heaving when there was nothing left in her stomach. She collapsed on the floor and sobbed, unable to think of anything except the gun in her hands and Kenneth’s head blown to bits on the ground. 

 

She had killed someone. And that had actually made Ward proud. He was proud of her for blowing someone’s brains out in the name of Hydra. That made everything so much worse. 

 

There was blood on her hands. Someone else’s blood. She had never wanted to feel this again. It made her want to break her promise to Fitz. If there was going to be anyone’s blood on her hands, it should be her own. She deserved it. 

 

She dragged herself off the floor and stumbled into the kitchen. Her vision was blurry from crying and she felt like she was going to throw up again. 

 

She opened a drawer and grabbed a small steak knife. She put it up to her wrist. But then she heard Fitz’s voice in her head. She remembered the night he caught her doing this.

 

“Jemma, no.” He’d cried. “You have to stop. Please stop.” 

 

He’d taken the knife from her bloody hands and dragged her to the bathroom to clean and bandage her arms. 

 

“Jemma, you have to promise me you will never do this again.” He’d told her. “You have to stop cutting yourself. Promise me?”

 

“I promise.” 

 

She’d kept that promise for almost ten years. She couldn’t break it now. She just couldn’t. She put the knife down. Then she fell to the floor and sobbed again. 

 

Jemma knew she should call Coulson. She should tell him what happened. But she didn’t want to talk to him. She wasn’t sure he would understand. So instead, she decided to call someone she knew would. 

 

“Simmons?”

 

“May.” 

 

“Is something wrong?” May asked. 

 

“Yes.” Jemma took a deep breath, wiping her tears. She suddenly wasn’t sure she could say what she’d done out loud. 

 

“What’s going on, Simmons?” 

 

“I-I,” she broke down again. “I-I did something awful, May.” 

 

“What happened?” Her voice was full of concern. 

 

“I-I killed someone.” She confessed. “I l-looked him in the face and shot him.” 

 

“Ward?”

 

“No.” She only wished it had been Ward. “His name was K-Kenneth Turgeon.”

 

“Why? What happened?” May questioned. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” 

 

“No.” She denied again. “W-Ward and Bakshi made me do it to prove my loyalty to Hydra. They thought he was a spy for SHIELD because they found a flex screen in his drawer. But that was mine. I-I planted it there.” 

 

“So he was Hydra?”

 

“Y-yes. And I-I keep reminding myself that to make myself feel better, but it’s not helping.” Jemma cried. “I tell myself that the world is safer without him. A-and also that this will only help my mission by proving my loyalty. I tried to tell myself that this is a win-win situation. But I can’t stop feeling like I did the wrong thing.”

 

“Simmons, listen to me.” May told her. “You did the only thing you could do. You made the tough call. But you made the right one. You had no choice. You couldn’t spare him without risking your cover.”

 

“I-I know.”

 

“It’s never easy to take someone out, Jemma. Ending someone’s life is never an easy choice to make.” She said. “But sometimes it’s the only choice we can make.” 

 

“I-I feel evil, May.” She told her. “I feel like a murderer.”

 

“You’re not evil, and you’re not a murderer.” May insisted. “You’re a good guy. And you took out a bad guy.” 

 

“I’m not a good guy.” Jemma argued. “You don’t even know the half of what I’ve done in my life.”

 

“Actually, I do.” May confessed. “Coulson told me. But none of that makes you a bad person. Trust me, I’ve done far worse. And I would still like to think I’m a good person at the end of the day. And so are you.”

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“You’re welcome.” She replied. “Now go to bed, Simmons. It’s late.” 

 

“Yes, May.” 

 

The next morning, Jemma was woken up by a call from Coulson. It was five thirty. She was immediately worried, and not just because she had forgotten to set her alarm and overslept. What if he was calling to tell her something bad happened? What if something had happened to Fitz? 

 

“Sir? What’s going on?” She asked frantically. “Is something wrong?” 

 

“May told me what happened last night.” Coulson explained. “We’ve talked a lot about it. And we decided it might be time for you to give Ward a surprise of his own.”

 

“What do you mean?” She was confused. “Do you want me to kill him?”

 

“No, no, no, don’t worry. We’re not going to ask you to kill anyone.” He told her. “We want you to turn him back into SHIELD custody. We have a new cell just for him that he literally cannot escape from.” 

 

“I thought you wanted me to get information out of him.”

 

“We did. And you have. We know what Hydra is after now. You’ve gained the trust of the higher ups at Hydra. But this is clearly becoming a problem. My gut tells me that he is going to put you in serious danger if we don’t take him back in. He’s served his purpose, and we’re not going to let him hurt you anymore than he already has.”

 

“Sir, you don’t need to protect me.” She replied. 

 

“I do.” He argued. “I sent you on this mission. I ordered you not to turn him over when you first found him. If something happens to you, if he does something to you, that’s on me. You’ve been through enough. I know I can’t do much to protect you right now, but I can do this.”

 

“Sir, what if-,”

 

“Don’t argue with me.” He cut her off. “This is an order, Simmons. Don’t worry about getting caught. May and I are already working on a plan. This will happen in a few days. I’ll let you know the plan when we’re ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re enjoying this. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	13. Chapter 13

Jemma’s display of loyalty gained her trust with the higher ups at Hydra. The next morning, she received word from Daniel Whitehall that she was invited to all meetings concerning the Obelisk. Sunil Bakshi invited her to dinner that night, without Ward. 

 

“I wanted to thank you personally for what you did last night.” Bakshi told her. “I must admit, when Ward suggested that as a way to test your loyalty, I didn’t think you’d do it. But I was pleasantly surprised.”

 

“It was my pleasure.” She smiled.

 

“Ward was right.” He remarked. “You’re a real asset to Hydra. Your brilliant mind and cold blood will be of tremendous help to us.”

 

Jemma left that dinner feeling conflicted. She was about to turn Ward in to SHIELD custody. He was going to disappear. He was her connection to the higher ups at Hydra. She seemed to have gained their respect in her own right now, but would that last without Ward’s influence? 

 

And what would happen if they suspected she was involved in Ward’s disappearance? If they found out she turned him over to SHIELD? Would they have some new recruit shoot her in the head to prove their loyalty? It would be a fitting ending, and one she probably deserved. But it wasn’t the ending she wanted. 

 

Two days later, Phil called her with a plan. It was very early again, but this time she knew before answering what the call was about.

 

“Coulson,” Jemma answered. “Do you have a plan?” 

 

“I do.” He confirmed. “Before I tell you, I have to ask, do you want me to pull you out of the mission? May thinks I should, but I disagree. However, if you want to leave, this would be the perfect time.”

 

“Absolutely not.” She replied. “It would be nice to go home again, but I’m too far in now. I’ve gained their trust. I’m getting closer to the higher ups. I can’t give up now. I can handle this.”

 

“Good. So here’s what I want you to do. You’re going to invite Ward out to dinner in a town about a half an hour outside the city. We’ll be waiting in a fake cop car with some agents Ward won’t recognize. We’ll ask you two to step out of the car. Maybe- and I hate to ask you to do this so if you can think of something better, I’m open to suggestions-, but maybe smoke some weed before you go. They’ll need a reason to ask you to get out of the car. Then they’ll arrest him and reveal themselves as SHIELD. But to anyone driving by it will just look like a regular arrest.”

 

“I can do that.” She agreed. “When?”

 

“Tomorrow. We’ll be there waiting by six.” He explained. “I’ll send you the route I need you to take.”

 

The next day, Jemma pretended it was a normal day at work, even though she was feeling a little anxious about turning Ward in. But she pushed her anxiety aside and no one seemed to notice anything was off. 

 

She walked out of the building at the end of the day with him. She hadn’t asked him on the date at work because she didn’t want anyone to realize they were together tonight when they noticed he was missing tomorrow.

 

“So I heard about this new restaurant outside the city. It’s about a half an hour away, but it’s supposed to be with the drive. I was thinking we should go tonight.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Ward agreed. “You wanna drive or do you want me to?”

 

“I’ll drive.” She told him. “Meet me at my place in twenty minutes? I thought we should maybe smoke a little first. The last few days have been so stressful, and after all, what’s the point of having that at my apartment if we don’t use it?”

 

“Your place in twenty it is, baby girl.” He agreed with a smile. 

 

Ward met Jemma at her apartment and smoked a joint with her before they left. She had never driven while high before, but she figured if she wasn’t driving quite right, that would just give the “police” more reason to pull her over. 

 

“So where are we, like, going?” Ward asked as she drove. 

 

“It’s a burger place.” She told him. “I heard they have the best burgers in the, um, like, the area.”

 

“But you’re um, I can’t remember the word.” Ward narrowed his eyes in thought. “You don’t eat meat.”

 

“They serve like, meatless burgers too, which are apparently excellent.” She paused. “Vegan, that’s the word. Vegan burgers. That’s kind of what made me want to drive all the way out here to try it. It’s hard to find a good vegan burger, you know?”

 

“Well I’m not vegan, so no.” He smiled. “But it sounds good. Although, anything would sound good right now. I’m starving.”

 

“I hear that.”

 

Suddenly, she also heard sirens behind her. She realized she had passed the intersection. SHIELD was behind her. 

 

The police car pulled her over. A tall man Jemma had never seen before walked over to them and knocked on her window. She rolled it down.

 

“What seems to be the officer, problem?” She realized what she had said and giggled. “That’s not right.” 

 

“You sound like that, um, that meme.” Ward laughed too. 

 

“How high are you?” The agent asked.

 

“No, officer, it’s hi, how are you.” She started laughing harder. 

 

“I’m like 6’2”.” Ward replied. They kept laughing.

 

“I’m going to have to ask you two to step out of the car.” The man didn’t look amused. 

 

They followed his directions and got out. Then, he immediately put handcuffs on Ward. But he left Jemma alone.

 

“You’re not going to arrest her?” Ward asked, confused. “She’s high too, and she was the one driving.”

 

“I’m not arresting her because I’m not the police.” The man replied. Ward just looked more confused.

 

Then, the police car door opened, and Coulson himself stepped out.

 

“This isn’t a police officer.” Coulson said. “This is Agent Mackenzie. An Agent of SHIELD.” 

 

“Wait, this is a setup, isn’t it?” Ward realized. He turned to face Jemma. “That means you’re SHIELD too. You have been the whole time. You lied to me, Jemma. I-I trusted you.”

 

“Now you know how it feels.” She replied. 

 

“But that means you, you killed one of your own.” 

 

“No, I killed one of yours.” She revealed. “Kenneth Turgeon was Hydra. The flex screen was mine. I planted it there.”

 

“You got Bakshi and Whitehall to trust you.” He looked stunned. “You lied to them and now you’re learning all of Hydra’s secrets.”

 

“That’s what spies do.” 

 

“And there’s nothing you can do to alert anyone.” Coulson took Ward’s phone out of his jacket, then handed Agent Mackenzie a blindfold, which the taller man put over Ward’s eyes. “Mack, take Ward back to the base. I’m going to get Jemma home. She shouldn’t be driving while intoxicated.” 

 

“I’m not intonated.” She slurred. Words were getting hard again. She tried to walk around to the drivers side, but stumbled. Coulson caught her.

 

“You are intoxicated.” He helped her into the passenger's seat, then got in the driver's seat. 

 

They rode back to the city in silence. She had no idea what to say, and she wasn’t sure she could say anything coherently even if she did. 

 

When they got back to her apartment, Coulson finally broke the silence. 

 

“Are you sure you want to stay?” He asked her. “You’ve turned Ward in and gotten us plenty of information. If you want, I can take you back to base with me today.

 

“But there’s still more I can do.” She replied. “They trust me now. Bakshi invited me to lunch a couple of days ago and told me he thinks I could be a real asset. Daniel Whitehall wants me at every meeting involving the Obelisk from now on. I can’t leave now. Not when I’ve come this far.” 

 

“You don’t have to do more, Simmons.” 

 

“I do.” She insisted. “I need people to respect me. I need you to respect me.”

 

“I do respect you.”

 

“No you don’t.” She felt tears well up in her eyes. She knew she should stop talking, but she couldn’t. “You pity me. You think I’m something you need to protect. Something you need to fix. I’m just another broken person you think you need to put back together to atone for your sins. You look at me and you think ‘Poor Jemma, she’s so lost and out of control. If I save her from herself, if I stop her from becoming a drug addicted slut who dies before she’s 30, it’ll make up for everything I’ve done.’ It’s the same thing you’re doing with Skye, and May, and Fitz, and what you tried to do with Ward. You see us as broken people you need to fix so you can feel better about yourself.”

 

“Simmons, I help people because I care.”

 

“No, you help people because you want to be a hero.” She shot back. “Because you have some kind of savior complex.”

 

“No, that’s not true.” He denied. “I care about you.”

 

He reached for her hand but she pulled it away.

 

“Leave me alone.” She cried. 

 

“Simmons, listen,” He reached for her again, but this time, she swung her arm up at him. He caught it before she hit him. 

 

His grip was hard, and his face was suddenly filled with anger. And she suddenly felt like a scared, rebellious child again. 

 

“Go ahead. Hurt me. Do your worst.” She goaded. 

 

He let go of her. She sank down to the floor and sobbed. He sat down beside her and put his arm around her. 

 

“I’m never going to hurt you.” He promised. “I care about you.”

 

“I don’t need you to care. My parents didn’t even care about me. No matter what I did, I was never good enough. I had two PhDs by the time I was 17, but they were never proud of me.” She cried. “I just want you to be proud of me.” 

 

“I am proud of you.” He told her. “I am so proud of you. You didn’t even pass your field exam at the Academy, and now you’re undercover at Hydra, and doing an excellent job at it. Not to mention the fact that you’re overcoming everything you’ve been through in your life and growing into a truly incredible woman. I am so proud of you. So if you think you have to stay here for me to be proud of you, you’re wrong. You can come back tonight and I will still be every bit as proud.”

 

“I can’t go back yet.” She insisted. “There’s still more I can do at Hydra.”

 

She also couldn’t bring herself to face Fitz again yet, but she didn’t tell Coulson that.

 

“If you’re sure you want to stay,”

 

“I am.”

 

“Then you can stay at Hydra.” He agreed. “But remember that no matter what happens, I’m proud of you. And I truly do care about you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. There’s one more chapter of the Hydra mission! I’ll have that soonish. Thanks for reading! :)


	14. Chapter 14

Jemma spent the next day playing the part of worried girlfriend. She asked coworkers if they’d seen Ward anywhere. During a meeting with Daniel Whitehall, she kept giving anxious glances at the empty seat where Ward usually sat. 

 

The day after, she acted even more worried. Word of Ward’s disappearance was spreading all over. No one had seen Ward anywhere or heard from him at all. People started giving her pitiful glances. She was now seen as the scared, anxious girl whose boyfriend had gone missing. 

 

In the bathroom, she ran into the woman in the red coat again. 

 

“Ward’s missing.” The woman said. 

 

“Really? I had no idea.” Jemma snapped at her. 

 

“You must be so worried.” She continued. “Unless, of course, you had something to do with it.”

 

“Excuse me?” She yelled. “How dare you? Are you accusing me of being behind my boyfriend’s disappearance? Do you think I killed him because we got in a fight? Because I’m a traitor? I’m not a traitor. I’m loyal to Hydra. And I would never do anything to hurt Grant. I love him.” 

 

Jemma burst into tears.

 

“I’m sorry.” The woman told her. “Of course you didn’t have anything to do with it. I shouldn’t have accused you like that. You killed a real SHIELD mole for us. I know you’re not a traitor. When someone goes missing, it’s just natural to want to question those closest to them.”

 

“I’m so scared.” Jemma cried. “What if something awful happened to him? I love him so much. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

 

“I-I’m sorry.” She said again. “I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere.”

 

“I hope so.”

 

“Me too.” She paused. “And I hope you’re not a filthy little liar.” 

 

That night, when Jemma got home, May was sitting at her kitchen table.

 

“May!” She was not expecting her. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Coulson sent me.” May answered. 

 

“Why?”

 

“He wants me to take over supervising your mission.” She explained.

 

Simmons sat down across from her. She was honestly a little hurt.

 

“So was he just full of shit the other day when he was telling me how much he cares about me and how proud he is?”

 

“Simmons, he wasn’t lying.” May told her. “He is very proud of you. And he does care. He handed this off to me because he cares about you. He feels like you’re projecting your unhealthy relationship with your parents on to him. He doesn’t want to make your relationship with him weird.”

 

“So when Skye treats him like a father figure, it’s fine, but when I do it, it’s weird?” May was pouring salt in the wound here, even though she knew she wasn’t meaning to. 

 

“It’s different.” She sighed. “Skye needs him.”

 

“And I don’t?” She raised her voice a little. “Why is he treating me differently? I opened up to him, I-,”

 

“He doesn’t want to hurt you, Jemma.” May cut her off. “He doesn’t want to hurt you like your parents did.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“So he asked me to take over.” She explained. “He thought I might be a better fit for you. I can relate more to what you’ve been through here.”

 

“What if I start projecting my relationship with my parents on to you?” Jemma asked. “Are you going to run away too? After all, it was really my mother who hurt me more than my father.”

 

“I’m not afraid of that.” May smiled. “I’m not a very maternal person.”

 

“I think you’re more maternal than you think.”

 

The next day, Jemma continued playing the parts of Hydra loyalist and worried girlfriend. And her day was going fine. Until it all came crashing down.

 

She came back from a bathroom break that afternoon to find the lab in a stunned silence. Every head turned to look at her as she walked through the room. And when she reached her computer, she saw why everyone was staring at her.

 

There was a picture of her sitting outside holding a flex screen. The picture looked like it was taken the day before, based on her outfit. Someone must have seen her on her lunch break. She had been outed as a spy. 

 

Suddenly, alarms started blaring and she bolted for the door. She sprinted down the hallway, but she saw guards walking toward her. She turned to run the other direction but she saw the woman in the red coat walking towards her, flanked by two more guards. She thought she was dead for sure.

 

But suddenly, the woman attacked the two guards, knocking them out. Then she took on the others coming toward her.

 

“Follow me.” The woman told her.

 

Jemma was confused, and thought this was probably a trap, but she figured she had no choice but to follow. 

 

They ran through the building, and came out of the roof. The woman told her to follow her and jump, but Jemma didn’t see whatever getaway vehicle she was supposed to be jumping to. 

 

But she landed on a hard surface anyway. She realized it was a cloaked quinjet. Jemma followed the woman inside the jet.

 

“I’m Bobbi Morse.” The woman introduced herself. “Agent of SHIELD.” 

 

“I’m Jemma Simmons, but you knew that.” She was shaking with a mix of relief and adrenaline.  “You were SHIELD the whole time. You saved me.”

 

“Coulson sent me to keep an eye on you.” Bobbi explained. “And to get you out if things got messy.”

 

“Well, Agent Morse, you are an incredible double agent.” Jemma told her. 

 

“Please, just Bobbi. And thank you.” Bobbi smiled. “I think you could be an incredible double agent someday too, if that’s what you want.”

 

“I honestly don’t know what I want right now.”

 

“That’s okay, too.” 

 

Bobbi took her hand. And suddenly Jemma wanted to do something she never would have thought about even the day before. And not yet down from the high of her adrenaline rush, she did it without thinking twice.

 

She pulled Bobbi down to her and kissed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Hydra mission is officially over, and that means Jemma will return to SHIELD in the next chapter!
> 
> I hope you’re enjoying this so far. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	15. Chapter 15

Bobbi seemed shocked at first, but after a moment, she kissed back. When they pulled apart, both of them neither of them knew what to say.

 

“I-I’m sorry.” Jemma said after a moment. “I was caught up in the moment and I was still coming down from the adrenaline and-”

 

“It’s okay.” Bobbi cut her off. “I certainly wasn’t expecting you to do that, but I enjoyed it.” 

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.” Jemma breathed a sigh of relief. “You’re a good kisser. And you’re a beautiful woman.”

 

“Thank you.” She blushed. “So are you.” 

 

When they landed at the Playground, Jemma and Bobbi walked down the ramp of the quinjet together. Coulson and May greeted them when they entered the building.

 

“Welcome home, Simmons.” Coulson greeted her. “I see you’ve met Bobbi.”

 

“She’s amazing.” Jemma gushed. Coulson and May smiled. “God, it’s nice to be back here.”

 

Jemma hugged each of them, ignoring the voice in the back of her mind that said she shouldn’t. Coulson hugged back hesitantly and pulled away quickly. May was surprised at first, but she hugged her back tightly.

 

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” May told her.

 

“All thanks to Agent Morse.”

 

“Bobbi,” she corrected.

 

“Right.” Jemma laughed. 

 

“Bobbi, I want you to come with me to debrief.” Coulson told her. “Simmons, I want you to just relax and settle back in tonight. We can debrief in the morning.”

 

“I thought you handed my mission off to May.” Jemma pointed out. 

 

“May will be there too.” 

 

“Fine.” She sighed. “What time?”

 

“Ten.”

 

“Then I’ll be in your office at ten a.m. sharp, sir.” She replied coolly. 

 

She walked down to the lab. She wanted to see if Fitz was in there. He was. He was with Skye, laughing at something she’d said. At first she was happy to see them together. But then she realized they were holding hands. When she saw him kiss her, she had to walk away. She could talk to them in the morning.

 

She walked down to her bunk as quickly as she could. She wanted to cry. Or vomit. That was not what she’d needed to see. She had been nervous about seeing Fitz again, but seeing him with Skye took it to a whole other level. He had replaced her. Because Skye was here while he was recovering and she wasn’t.

 

She had been so excited to see Skye again, but now she didn’t know how she was supposed to talk to her. She was suddenly so filled with jealousy and bitterness. She wasn’t sure how she could speak to her without being rude. 

 

Jemma didn’t know what she was supposed to do about any of it. So she collapsed on her bed and sobbed. 

 

The next morning, Jemma went down to the kitchen to get breakfast. She smiled and made small talk with people, but she wasn’t sure what to say. So much had changed. She didn’t even know half of the people here anymore. 

 

Fits and Skye weren’t down there, but she figured that was just as well. She wasn’t ready to face them anyway.

 

After breakfast, she went down to the lab for a bit. Fitz and Skye were there. She smiled and tried to talk to them, but it was awkward. She had no idea what to say to either of them. And she could tell they had no idea what to say to her. She had left and lied to them about where she was, and while she was gone they started dating. And they didn’t even know that she knew they were dating. What the hell was anyone supposed to say? 

 

She worked by herself for a bit, and got settled back into her area of the lab. A lot had changed, but it still felt much more comfortable than the Hydra lab. At least no one here was planning to kill billions of people. 

 

Shortly before ten, she walked up to Coulson’s office. She knocked on the door at ten exactly.

 

“Come in.” Coulson called. She walked inside, where he and May were waiting for her. 

 

“Good morning.” She greeted them.

 

“Morning, Simmons.” He smiled at her. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“I did.” She lied. “It’s nice to be back.”

 

“It’s nice to have you back.” May told her. 

 

Jemma sat down across from Coulson at his desk. 

 

“First of all, do you have anything to tell us that you didn’t get the chance to before the, um, incident?” He asked.

 

“No.” 

 

“Bobbi already told me about your escape yesterday.” Coulson told her. “But would you like to tell me about events from your perspective?”

 

“Well, I was walking back to the lab from the bathroom and I noticed everyone was staring at me.” She explained. “When I got back to my computer, I saw the picture of me holding a flex screen. Then sirens went off and I ran. Bobbi found me and fought off the guards so we could escape. That’s really about it.”

 

“Anything else you want to tell me?”

 

“Actually, I have a question to ask you.” She told him. “Do you know who took that picture of me?”

 

Coulson hesitated for a second, like he wasn’t expecting her to ask that. Almost like he didn’t want to answer. But after a moment, he did.

 

“Raina.” He informed her. 

 

“Why did she wait a day to send it out?" She asked. "She had to have taken the picture the day before."

 

“Daniel Whitehall was threatening to kill her if she didn’t bring him the Obelisk in 48 hours.” He explained. “Apparently, Skye’s father has it, and he said he would only give it to her if she took Skye to meet him. She,” he sighed. “She met with me and told me that if I didn’t let her take Skye to her father, that she would email that picture to everyone at Hydra.”

 

“I see.” Jemma narrowed her eyes. “And obviously you said no, because the picture went out.”

 

“I couldn’t let Raina take Skye to her father. He’s a dangerous man, Simmons. 

 

“So you chose her safety over mine.” 

 

“No. You had Bobbi there to get you out.” He defended himself. “Skye wouldn’t have had anyone there to protect her. And I certainly couldn’t let Hydra get the Obelisk.”

 

“What if the guards had gotten to me before Bobbi?” She questioned, tears welling up in her eyes. “They could have had me tortured and brainwashed. Hell, they could have shot me on sight. This is Hydra we’re talking about.” 

 

“I couldn’t let Hydra get the Obelisk. I had to trust Bobbi would get you out.”

 

“You wouldn’t have gambled Skye’s life over the Obelisk.” Jemma snapped. 

 

“That’s not fair, Simmons. It’s-,”

 

“What, is it different with her?” She cut him off. “Look, I get the message loud and clear that you’re Skye’s father figure, not mine. Skye is a poor little orphan girl who needs to be protected at all costs. I’m just a stupid whore who only matters when it benefits you. You hope you’ve done enough to protect me from getting captured, but if you haven’t, I can just fend for myself, can’t I?”

 

“Simmons, listen to me. It’s not like that. I-,”

 

“Of course it is.” She retorted. “Let’s all be honest here, you wouldn’t have let Skye go undercover at Hydra in the first place. And if for some reason you did, you would have dragged her back to base the minute you thought she was in danger or she was in over her head.”

 

Jemma got up and stormed towards the door, starting to cry. 

 

“Simmons, come back here.” He ordered. She ignored him. 

 

She heard him get up, but May got up too.

 

“Coulson, stay here.” May told him. “Let me.” 

 

Jemma started to storm down the hallway, but May grabbed her arm and stopped her. 

 

“Simmons, listen to me.” She insisted. “Coulson didn’t make the decision he did because he values Skye’s life more than yours. He made that decision because he thought it was the right decision. Did he take a risk? Was there a chance that Bobbi wouldn’t be able to save you? Yes. But he trusted that she could and she did. And now you and Skye are both safe and Hydra doesn’t have the Obelisk.”

 

“Part of me does understand that. But another part of me can’t help but think that he wouldn’t have made the same decision if Skye was in my place.”

 

“I don’t think anyone but him can say what he would have done.” 

 

Jemma just started crying harder. May pulled her into a hug.

 

“It’s okay, Jemma.” She comforted. “You’re safe here.”

 

“He really doesn’t care about me, does he?” Jemma cried. “I-I don’t mean anything to him. I’m just another agent to him.”

 

“He does care. You mean a lot to him. All of Coulson’s agents mean a lot to him.”

 

“Skye just means more.” 

 

“Jemma, that’s not true.” May insisted. She pulled back a bit, but kept her hands on Jemma’s shoulders. “Listen to me. Coulson cares a lot about you. He was scared shitless waiting to hear if you got out safely. Raina put him in an awful position. He made the decision he thought was best.”

 

“I’m not being entirely fair to him, am I?” 

 

“No, you’re not.” She answered honestly. “But I don’t think he’s being entirely fair to you either.”

 

Jemma opened her mouth to reply, but realized she wasn’t sure what to say. 

 

“Come on,” May started to lead her down the hallway. “You probably need to get back to the lab, don’t you?”

 

“Probably.”

 

“I’ll walk you down there.” She offered. “I’m sure you and Fitz have a lot to catch up on.”

 

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me.” Jemma admitted sadly. “And honestly, I’m not sure what to say to him.”

 

“I’ll tell you what. How about you meet me in the living area at noon, and I’ll take you out to lunch?” She suggested. “Afterwards we can go shopping or go to a movie, whatever you want. My treat.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.” May smiled. “I think we could both use a day to relax.”

 

“I think that sounds nice.” She agreed. “I probably need to go shopping anyway. Most of my clothes were at the apartment, which I’m sure Hydra has raided by now.”

 

“Shopping it is then. I’ll see you at noon.” They stopped at the door to the lab.

 

“Thank you, May.”

 

“It’s no problem, Simmons.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys asked for FitzSkye, you're getting FitzSkye. The next chapter is going to feature kind of a lot, including her first real conversation with Skye since returning, and her first real interactions with Mack and Hunter. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this. I'll have more soon, although classes are starting tomorrow, so I'm not sure how that will affect how much time I have to write. Anyway, thanks for reading! :)


	16. Chapter 16

Jemma walked in to the lab. Fitz was still down there, but Skye had left. Instead, he was with Agent Mackenzie, who she recognized from Ward’s arrest. She wanted to just walk straight to her desk, but she figured she should be polite and go talk to them. They might even want her help with something. 

 

“Hello,” she greeted them, walking over to Fitz’s desk. “How’s it going?”

 

“I-It’s f-f-fine, J-Jemma.”

 

“That’s good, Fitz.” She smiled at him. “Would you like some help with anything?”

 

“N-no.”

 

“No, I think we’re good.” Agent Mackenzie told her. 

 

“You’re Agent Mackenzie, right?”

 

“I’m kind of surprised you remember.” He replied. “And you can just call me Mack.”

 

“I do remember you, Mack.” She smiled. “I’m Jemma Simmons.”

 

“Oh, trust me, I’m well aware. It’s kind of hard to forget a woman who was stoned on a mission when you first met her.” 

 

“J-Jemma, i-is th-that t-true?” Fitz asked, looking both surprised and disappointed.

 

“It was part of my cover.” She defended herself. “I had to give them a reason to pull us over.” 

 

“Right.” Mack rolled his eyes. “Like sleeping with Ward was part of your cover. I’ll admit I don’t know you that well, but from what I’ve heard, Coulson was stupid to send you to Hydra, given your past history with Ward.”

 

“Y-you sl-slept w-with W-Ward? After h-he tr-tried to k-kill us?” Fitz looked on the verge of tears now. 

 

“I had to. I only did it to gain his trust. To get information. I didn’t want to. I hate him. But dating him was the best way I had to get information. To get to some of the higher ups at Hydra. And it worked.”

 

“I-I’m s-sorry. I-I c-can’t d-deal with this r-right n-now.”

 

“Simmons, don’t you have your own work to do?”

 

“Yeah. I, um, I’ll get to my desk now.” She stepped back from them. “Let me know if you need anything.”

 

Neither of them spoke to her again until she left. At noon, she left the lab without a word and walked down to the living area to meet May. May was already waiting for her. 

 

“Ready to go?” She asked.

 

“Yeah.” Jemma replied. 

 

She followed May out to the garage. 

 

“What do you want to eat?” May asked when they got in the car.

 

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “What’s good around here?”

 

Jemma hadn’t been there very long after they moved to the Playground, and when she was, she was a little too preoccupied to care where the best places to eat were. 

 

“There’s a lot of good places to eat. There’s a diner not too far from here.” May suggested. “I haven’t gotten the chance to eat there yet, but I’ve been wanting to try it. They serve burgers, milkshakes, classic diner food. Apparently it’s supposed to be really good.”

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

They didn’t talk much on the drive over to the diner. Jemma was never quite sure what to say to May, and she certainly wasn’t now. And May wasn’t one to initiate conversation. 

 

Jemma was trying to think of what she should say to her when they sat down at the booth. But when the waitress left with their drink orders, to her surprise, May spoke first. 

 

“Jemma, we need to talk.” She told her.

 

“About what?” She had a few guesses, but she wanted to know for sure.

 

“What happened this morning, what you said to Coulson in his office, he was really hurt by that.”

 

“And I was hurt by what he did.”

 

“He made the only decision he could.”

 

“What about before that? When he handed my case off to you after I opened up to him? He had a choice then. Do you think that was the right choice? Do you just think any choice he makes is the right one because you follow him mindlessly?”

 

Jemma wasn’t sure what made her say that. She didn’t even know where that thought came from, let alone why it came out of her mouth.

 

“Don’t you dare say that.” May spat. “Do you really think I follow him blindly? That I just do whatever he says, like I’m his personal attack dog or something? Because I have news for you, you little brat, I’m not.”

 

“I-I’m sorry.” She told her. “That was rude, and uncalled for, and way out of line. I’m so sorry.”

 

May sighed. 

 

“I don’t always agree with him. I didn’t agree with his decision to hand your mission off to me. I knew how you would see that. I know what you’ve been through and how your parents gave up on you. I knew you would see this as him doing the same thing. But he’s the director and he’s my best friend. I follow his orders because I respect him, even when I don’t agree with him. Even when I really, really don’t want to.”

 

“I have a hard time seeing Coulson forcing you to do something you don’t want to.” Jemma remarked. 

 

“You have no idea, Simmons.” May looked like she was on the verge of tears. Jemma didn’t know what to say. She was certain she had never seen her cry before. Something awful must have happened for her to be about to break down in public, right?

 

“May, what happened?” She asked, fearing the worst, but not really knowing what the worst might be. “D-did he hurt you? Oh god, did he force you to…,” 

 

She trailed off, not wanting to finish that thought. She didn’t even want to think about it. Coulson would never do anything like that to May, would he? 

 

“No, no, nothing like that.” May shook her head. “He just,” She paused. “He has a lot on his plate right now.”

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

“He just, he’s, I-I can’t tell you.” She answered, wiping a tear that had fallen. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Is something wrong with him?”

 

May nodded, tears starting to stream down her face. 

 

“He fears that he’s going to go the way of Garrett, because of the GH-325.” May explained through her tears. “And if he does, he wants me to kill him.”

 

“Oh my God, he can’t ask you to do that.” Jemma was stunned. “That’s not fair to you, given your history. It doesn’t take a genius or a spy to see how much you two mean to each other. Are there any signs that he is going insane like Garrett did?”

 

“No. It’s just a worst case scenario.” 

 

“But still,” She sighed. “That’s an awful thing to ask you to do. I’m sorry.”

 

May didn’t reply. She just started crying harder. 

 

A few moments later, the waitress came back with their milkshakes. 

 

“Are we ready to order, ladies?” She asked.

 

“I think we need a few more minutes.” Jemma replied. 

 

“Alright. Take your time.”

 

“I’ll be right back.” May told her when the waitress left. 

 

She got up and headed in the direction of the bathroom. When she came back, she looked like her normal, stone-faced self again, her slightly red and puffy eyes the only sign she had been crying. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Jemma told her again. What she said to May had been completely out of line. 

 

“It’s alright, Simmons.” She replied. “Maybe we should actually look at the menu now.”

 

“That’s probably a good idea.” 

 

They opened their menus and read them in silence. They tried to make small talk after the waitress took their orders, but it felt forced and awkward. They ate mostly in silence. 

 

When they got in the car, May spoke again.

 

“Simmons, I understand why you’re upset with Coulson.” She told her. “You opened up to him, and you started to see him as a father figure. Then he handed your mission off to me and then last night happened. You feel like he abandoned you, gave up on you like your parents did. You feel like he doesn’t care about you. But he does. He just has a lot on his plate right now. More than I can tell you. He didn’t want to hurt you. That’s why he stepped back. He felt like you were too emotionally vulnerable, and he was afraid it would be too easy to hurt you more.”

 

“And in his attempt to protect me, he hurt me more.”

 

May reached across the center console and grabbed her hand. 

 

“He feels awful about it. He really does care about you.”

 

“I understand.” Jemma replied. “He realized I was too much for him to handle, so he handed me off to you. So what happens when you realize the same thing? Because everyone does eventually. I’m the fucking worst. No one can deal with me for long. I’m not worth the trouble I cause.”

 

“No, that-, Jemma, that’s not it at all.” She sighed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“You don’t need to lie to me, May. You’ll get sick of me eventually.”

 

“I’m not going to give up on you, Jemma. And Coulson hasn’t either.” She insisted. “Would you rather just go back to the base? We don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to.”

 

“No. I still want to go shopping. I want to forget about everything for a little bit.”

 

“Me too.” May agreed. “To the mall it is then.”

 

Jemma spent the afternoon with May at the mall, where they picked out outfits for each other and probably spent too much money. But they actually had fun. Jemma didn’t once feel like May resented her or thought she was some kind of burden she was obligated to take care of. She genuinely felt like May wanted her there. 

 

“How are you ladies doing today?” An employee asked as they entered one store. Her nametag informed them that her name was Kaitlyn. 

 

“We’re doing fine. Just doing some shopping.” May answered. “I thought she could use a day to relax. Have some fun.”

 

“Is she your daughter?” Kaitlyn asked. 

 

“She is.” Jemma’s jaw almost dropped, but she just smiled.

 

“She adopted me from England.” She told her, deciding to go with it. 

 

“Well, if you two need any help, come and find me. My name is Kaitlyn.”

 

“Thank you.” May nodded. 

 

Jemma followed May further into the store. She stopped by a rack of dresses.

 

“What the hell, May?” She whispered. 

 

“She assumed you were my daughter, so I just went with it.” 

 

“I get that, but for future reference, please don’t do that. Don’t pretend you want to be some kind of mother figure to me when we both know you don’t.”

 

“I-,” she sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s alright.”

 

They both moved on and kept shopping, pretending like the incident didn’t happen. Jemma wasn’t sure how to feel about it. So she just didn’t think about it.

 

When they got back to base, they ran into Skye in the living area. 

 

“Where have you two been all day?” She asked.

 

“We went shopping.” May explained, lifting the shopping bags slightly. “I thought we could use a day to relax.”

 

“Okay, first of all, I didn’t know you know what the word relax means. Second of all, thanks for the invite.”

 

“Infiltrate Hydra, discover their plans, hand in a wanted fugitive, and barely escape being captured and killed, then maybe I’ll take you out for an afternoon.”

 

“It’s hard to believe the girl who panicked and shot Sitwell did all that.” Skye remarked. “I’m really proud of you, Jemma.” 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

“Maybe we should go out tonight.” Skye suggested. “Like the whole team. To celebrate your return. Go to the bar or something. I think it might be good for all of us to get a break.”

 

“That sounds nice.” Jemma agreed. She turned to May. “Can we?”

 

“I’m okay with it, but ask Coulson.”

 

Skye nodded and left. She came back a few minutes later.

 

“He said we can.” She told them excitedly. “I’ll go tell the others. We’re meeting in here at eight.”

 

That night, they all headed down to a bar not far from the base. Coulson and May agreed to be the designated drivers. 

 

Jemma sat down at the bar between Skye and Trip. She had a nice conversation with Trip, catching up. He flirted but he didn’t try to ask her out again. Fitz was on the other side of Skye, with Mack on the other side of him. Hunter and Bobbi were on the other side of Trip. Coulson and May were at a table a little ways away. 

 

After a couple of drinks, Skye picked up a shot menu and handed it to Jemma.

 

“Let’s take some shots.” She suggested.

 

“Alright.” She looked over the list of names and what was in each shot. “What should we try? What’s good?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never been here before.” She pointed to one. “Oh look, this one’s called the cum dumpster. That’s perfect for you.”

 

“Well that’s fucking rude.”

 

“It was a joke.” Skye laughed. “It’s one of those jokes that’s funny cause it’s true. Hey, is that how you got information on your mission? Were you Ward’s cum dumpster at Hydra?”

 

“You’ve been Fitz’s.” Jemma shot back. 

 

“I-I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.” She replied. “Are you okay with me dating him?”

 

“Of course.” She lied. Skye rolled her eyes. 

 

“Well, you better be. Cause guess what, Jemma? You don’t get to not be okay with it. You had your chance with him and you blew it because you decided you’d rather be a whore than his girlfriend. And then you abandoned him when he needed you most. So you don’t have the right to be jealous of me.”

 

“I have the right to feel however I want, bitch.”

 

Jemma got up and went to sit down by Bobbi. 

 

“Hey, how are you doing?” Bobbi asked. 

 

“I’m alright.” Jemma lied. “I decided I’d rather sit by you.”

 

“I’d rather you sit here too.”

 

Bobbi leaned over and kissed her. 

 

“Wow, you infiltrated Hydra and turned my ex-wife into a lesbian.” Hunter remarked when they broke apart. “You really are incredible, Agent Simmons.”

 

Jemma just laughed and kissed Bobbi again. Eventually, they broke apart and ordered a couple shots. Jemma ordered the cum dumpster, Bobbi ordered one called the mockingbird. 

 

“To a new chapter.” Bobbi lifted her shot for a toast.

 

“A new chapter.” She clinked her shot with hers then drank it. “God knows I need it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cum dumpster is a real shot a bar in my area. I don't know what's in it, I've never been there, but I have a friend who has. So that roast has real life inspiration (my beta can confirm). Mockingbird is a reference to the comics. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	17. Chapter 17

Jemma and Bobbi were both drunk by the time they left the bar. Their hands were all over each other while they made out in May’s car on the way home. Fitz kept giving them dirty looks, and she might have cared if she was sober, but she wasn’t so she didn’t. 

 

When they got back to base, Bobbi led her up to her bunk, where she pinned her to the door as soon as she closed it. They struggled to get each other’s clothes off as they made out, but eventually they did it. When they were finally naked, they stumbled to the bed and fell on top of it, hands roaming down each other’s bodies, eventually settling between their legs. 

 

The next morning, Jemma woke up naked and hungover in Bobbi’s bed. 

 

“Good morning, Jemma.” Bobbi smiled at her. 

 

“Morning.” She kissed her softly. 

 

“Last night was nice.” Bobbi remarked.

 

“It was.” Jemma agreed. “Even if it was kind of a blur.”

 

They kissed again, but they were interrupted by the door opening.

 

“Bobbi, I think May wants to talk to you-,” Hunter cut himself off. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting that, although maybe I should’ve been.”

 

They both laughed. 

 

“Whatever.” He backed toward the door. “Just find May whenever you’re done.” 

 

They got dressed, and Bobbi went off to find May. Jemma went back to her own bunk for a change of clothes before grabbing breakfast and heading down to the lab. Fitz was down there alone, and she decided to take the opportunity to talk to him without Skye or Mack there to interrupt. 

 

“Did you have fun last night?” She asked as she approached him.

 

“Y-yeah. I-It was n-nice.” He replied. “E-Except f-for th-the p-part wh-where y-you g-got in a f-fight w-with S-Skye.”

 

“I’m sorry about that.” She told him. “I want you to know that I really am happy for you two.”

 

“A-are y-you r-really, J-Jemma?” 

 

“Yes.” She insisted, unsure if she was telling the truth or not. They seemed happy together, and therefore she should be happy for them. And they were her best friends, or at least they used to be. She should be happy for them. But part of her really wasn’t. “Of course I’m happy for you and Skye.”

 

“You should be.” Mack said, walking up to them. “Skye was there for him after you abandoned him when he needed you the most.”

 

“I know.” She lowered her head and walked to her own desk. 

 

After lunch, Jemma came back to the lab to see Fitz working alone again. He was looking at some backlogged files on a weapon they were investigating. She wasn’t finding anything on the weapons in her own research, so she decided to go see if he was having better luck than she was. Perhaps they could work on this together again, like they used to before she fucked everything up between them in seemingly every possible way. She knew deep down that they couldn’t. She had simply done too much damage to their relationship. But she still found herself hoping. 

 

“I can’t find anything on the weapons.” She told him as she walked over to his desk. “Still looking at those backlogged files?”

 

 “Y-yeah.” He gestured to the file on the screen. “Well it’s b-because th-these two bits, th-there’s something,”

 

“A simila-,”

 

“No. No.” He cut her off, standing up to face her. “I-it’s important b-because, I, um, it’s,” He was getting frustrated. “C-can you s-stop l-looking at m-me, I-,”

 

“Oh, I can’t even look at you now.” She interrupted.

 

“N-no, n-not like that.”

 

“Like what?” She asked. “I’m trying not to treat you any differently tha-,”

 

“I know, but I-I am d-different.” He cut her off. “I-I’m trying n-not to be, b-but I am. And i-if f-for some r-reason you c-can’t accept it,”

 

“That’s not fair, Fitz, I’m only trying to help.”

 

“Y-you l-left!” He exclaimed. “I n-needed help and y-you l-left. I needed help with th-the cl-cloaking and l-lots of other th-things, a-and someone t-to talk to, a-at least. And y-you g-gave up on me.”

 

“I did no such thing,”

 

“You told me you were gonna go s-see your m-mum and y-your dad b-but you l-lied to me, again. A-and f-for all I knew something could’ve, y-you c-could’ve been k-killed. A-and b-because what? Y-you think I-I’m useless? I n-never w-was good enough f-for y-you, b-but I st-still l-loved y-you, and I, y-you n-never really l-loved me a-anyway, b-but you c-can’t e-even pretend n-now b-because y-you th-think I-I’m useless.”

 

“Of course I don’t, Fitz, that’s not why I left.” She felt tears welling up in her eyes. 

 

“Then why?”

 

“Fitz,” she sighed. She wanted to explain, but she just couldn’t. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

 

She turned around and left the lab. 

 

Later that afternoon, Jemma decided to find Mack. She needed to talk to him. He needed to understand that, whatever the results, her intentions for leaving were good. She thought leaving was the best thing she could do for Fitz. 

 

Mack was on the Bus, in an area they were now using as a mechanics shop. He was working on a motorcycle. 

 

“Hey,” she called out as she approached. 

 

“Can I help you?” He turned to face her, with a look that made it clear he’d rather her leave.

 

“I just wanted to thank you for helping Fitz.” She told him. “For being his friend.”

 

“I don’t help him. He doesn’t need any.” Mack replied. “You know, that guy you’re wishing he would be? I never met him. I only know this guy. And I mean, he’s a little weird, but I like him.”

 

“I don’t want him to be anybody but himself.” 

 

“Really?” He questioned. “Because I heard he told you he still loved you and you bailed.”

 

“That’s not what happened.” She denied.

 

“So you’re telling me that it isn’t true that you cheated on him, he left you, and you responded by jumping into a relationship with the man you were cheating with, who turned out to be a psychopath, by the way, and ran away after he told you he still loved you. Or did you run away when you realized the extent of his brain injuries?”

 

“It’s really not like that,” she tried to defend herself.

 

“Look,” he stood up and stepped over to her. “I don’t know if you thought you could just waltz back in here after everything you did and things would just go back to normal, but that’s not how this works. Fitz doesn’t need your help, something you’d know if you hadn’t abandoned him. In fact, from what I’ve seen, the only thing that makes him worse is you.”

 

“I know.” She admitted. “Why do you think I left?”

 

Jemma turned around and left the Bus in tears. She stormed back inside the base, not sure where she wanted to go. She didn’t want to go back to the lab. She didn’t want to go to the living area. She wasn’t really in the mood to see anyone else. She decided to go back to her bunk for a bit. 

 

She walked passed the living area and saw Skye and Fitz on the couch cuddling. She walked faster, tears blurring her vision. And she walked right into May.

 

“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry.” She told her. “I wasn’t looking where I was going and I didn’t see you there. I’m sorry.”

 

“Simmons, are you alright?” May asked. 

 

“I’m fine.” She lied. 

 

“You’re crying. What’s wrong?”

 

“No one wants me here.” Jemma cried. “Skye hates me, Fitz thinks I hate him, Coulson doesn’t care about me, and don’t even get me started about Mack. It’s like his goal in life is to make me feel like shit.”

 

“Mack is very protective of Fitz. He doesn’t know you, all he knows about you is that you hurt Fitz.”

 

“I didn’t say I didn’t deserve his hatred.” 

 

“You don’t.” May took her hand. “But you have to give him a chance to get to know you. We do want you here. You’re an integral part of this team. And believe me when I say we all missed you when you were gone.”

 

“May, be honest, does everyone really want me here?” Jemma questioned. 

 

“They do.” She insisted. “Where were you off to anyway in such a hurry, anyway?”

 

“My bunk. I’m not in the mood to deal with people.”

 

“I understand.” She nodded. “Got some pent up emotions you need to let out?”

 

“Maybe, why?”

 

“Come with me.” May told her. 

 

“Where?” Jemma wiped a tear.

 

“Let’s go down to the gym.” She suggested. “I mean, what are you gonna do in your room, throw a pillow at the wall? Besides, I didn’t buy you those workout clothes for you to never wear them.”

 

“Fair enough.” 

 

“Good.” May smiled. “Meet me in the gym in ten.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended to end this story before 2x10, but I think I might take it through the beginning of season 3, after Jemma returns from Maveth. Not exactly sure. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	18. Chapter 18

The next night, Jemma sat on the couch in the living area with Bobbi, Hunter and Mack. Jemma leaned her head on Bobbi’s shoulder. She was making small talk, getting to know Hunter. Mack was making a point to ignore her.

 

“You know, Bobbi, as surprised as I was to see you come back dating another woman, I like her. I approve, 100%.” Hunter remarked. 

 

“Really?” Mack raised an eyebrow. “After everything she’s done, you approve of her?”

 

“Everyone deserves a second chance, mate.” Hunter replied. “Unless if they’re like Hydra or something. Anyway, yes I very much approve of Jemma. Actually, I think deserves better than the hell beast.”

 

“I think Bobbi’s great. Perhaps you just couldn’t handle a strong woman.” Jemma teased. 

 

They decided to have a few more beers and watch a movie. Mack left before they even started the movie, saying he was going to see what Fitz was up to. Afterwards, Jemma followed Bobbi back to her bunk, where she cuddled up next to her and fell asleep. 

 

The next morning, Jemma got up early and decided to find May. She had offered to teach her Tai Chi to help her clear her mind in the mornings, and she decided she should take her up on it. Even if it didn’t help, it wouldn’t hurt. Besides, she enjoyed spending time with May. She was one of the few people on base that actually seemed to want her back. 

 

She found May in the gym. Skye was already down there with her. They hadn’t started yet. She paused at the door, unsure whether or not she should go in. Skye probably wouldn’t want her there.

 

“You’re welcome to join us, Jemma.” May invited. 

 

Part of her wanted to decline the offer and walk away. But instead, she took a deep breath and went in. 

 

“Good morning,” she greeted them shyly. May smiled, Skye just glared at her.

 

May started her routine, and Jemma followed along. It felt awkward at first, but her movements started to flow better as she went along. She tried her best to clear her mind, but it was hard to ignore Skye’s occasional glares at her when they seemed to burn right into her skull. 

 

“So, what did you think?” May asked her when they finished the routine.

 

“I actually found it quite enjoyable.” She replied, which would have been a truer statement if Skye hadn’t been there. 

 

“Good.” May nodded. “Skye’s been training with me for awhile now, and she really enjoys it.”

 

“You know, today is actually the least I’ve enjoyed this since I started.” Skye remarked. 

 

“You two used to be best friends.” May reminded them. “I know a lot has happened, but I hate to see you two lose that.”

 

“Yeah, well, when you treat friends like Jemma does, you’re bound to lose them.” Skye replied. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should go find Fitz. One of us still cares about him.”

 

That was it. Jemma had had enough. 

 

“How dare you?” She screamed, lunging for her. 

 

She managed to grab her shirt and pull her to the ground. Skye easily pushed her away, but Jemma smacked her again. Skye punched back hard. Jemma wasn’t anywhere close to being as skilled of a fighter as Skye was becoming, but she had started this and she wasn’t going down easily. She met Skye’s skillful tactics mostly with scratching, biting, and hair pulling, but she managed to put up a fight. She actually pulled Skye’s hair hard enough to tear a small chunk of it out.

 

Skye yelped.

 

“You bitch!” She screamed, landing her hardest punch on Jemma yet. Jemma retaliated by grabbing her wrist and biting it hard enough to draw blood. 

 

At this point, May dragged Skye off of Jemma. 

 

“Go.” She ordered. “We’ll talk about this later.”

 

Jemma stood up and started to walk to the door as well, but May stopped her.

 

“Not you. We’ll talk now.” May grabbed her arm. She tried to yank it away, but she only tightened her grip. “Don’t you dare even think about trying anything with me.”

 

May led her to the corner where she sat down with her.

 

“So, I see Tai Chi did you absolutely no good.” May remarked. “What the hell got into you?”

 

“I’d apologize, but I’m not sorry.” Jemma replied. “How dare she say I don’t care about Fitz? I didn’t leave because I don’t care, I left because I do.”

 

“I know.”

 

“But he doesn’t. And I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t know how to make him listen.”

 

May was about to reply, but at that moment, Coulson walked in.

 

“May, can you come up to my office?” He asked. 

 

“Of course.”

 

“Simmons, how are you doing?” He turned to face her. “Is it good to be back?”

 

“If you ever bothered to pay any attention to me at all, you would know the answer to that.”

 

She stood up and stormed out. This time, May didn’t stop her. 

 

Jemma was going to head back to her bunk to change, but she paused outside the door when she heard their voices.

 

“What’s her problem?” Coulson asked. 

 

“She’s going through a rough time right now.” May answered.

 

“Isn’t she always?”

 

“She thinks everyone hates her.” She explained. “And guess what, Phil? You’re not helping. At all. That girl needs you. She feels like you abandoned her. She doesn’t think you care about her.”

 

“I do care.” He replied. “But I don’t have time for her drama right now. Now would you please come up to my office? I have some things I need to discuss with you.”

 

Jemma felt like she had just been punched in the gut. And when they walked out, she confronted him.

 

“You don’t have time for me?” She yelled, smacking him in the face. “You say you care, and then immediately say you don’t have time to deal with me? I bet if I was Skye you would.”

 

She reached up to smack him again, but he caught her arm and twisted it back, then slapped her with his free hand. 

 

“Knock it off, Simmons.” He threw her against the wall and walked away. “Come on, May.”

 

May stood stunned, looking like she wanted to say something. But Jemma ran away in tears before she could even open her mouth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't intend for this chapter to get so violent, but here we are I guess.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm

Jemma slammed the door to her bunk and collapsed on the bed sobbing. What the hell had she just done? First she attacked Skye, then she immediately followed it up with attacking Coulson. And May had witnessed both incidents. Everyone would probably hear what she had done soon enough. And anyone who hadn’t wanted her gone before certainly would now.  

 

In the space of maybe ten minutes, she had managed to destroy anything she had left here. Whatever relationship she had with Bobbi would be ruined now. Hunter’s respect and approval would be gone. So would Trip’s friendship. May’s caring and concern would be replaced with scorn. Skye and Mack would hate her even more now. Fitz would never want anything to do with her again. And if Coulson hadn’t cared about her before, he sure as hell wasn’t going to start now.

 

After about half an hour, she heard a soft knock on her door.

 

“Jemma, it’s me.” Bobbi called. “Can I come in?”

 

“Sure.” She choked out.

 

“I heard what happened.” She told her as she laid down beside her. 

 

“That I attacked Skye and Coulson like a feral animal?” 

 

“If that’s how you want to word it, sure.”

 

“Aren’t you worried I’m going to attack you too?” Jemma questioned.

 

“Should I be?”

 

“I don’t think so.” She shrugged. “I don’t want to right now, but who knows what could set me off next. I’m insane. I’m psychotic. I’m out of control. I’m like a rabid dog who needs to be put down for the safety of others.”

 

“No, you’re not.” Bobbi shook her head. “You’re a very troubled young woman who needs help. Coulson told me that you’ve been through a lot in your life. He didn’t tell me what, but if you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.”

 

“Maybe later.” She replied. “I should get to work now.”

 

“Alright.”

 

Jemma walked down to the lab, a feeling of dread building inside her. Skye had surely told Fitz what happened by now. He would hate her. He probably wouldn’t want to speak to her ever again.

 

Fitz was working in the lab alone when she got down there. She wasn’t sure whether she should go to him and explain what happened. But what would she say? How could she defend herself? She had lost control of her impulses. And part of her wasn’t even sorry. 

 

She worked on her own for awhile, not saying anything to him. But eventually, she noticed he was struggling with something, and against her better judgement, she decided to try to help him. She got up and walked over to him.

 

“Is there anything I can help you with, Fitz?” She asked him.

 

“No.” He replied, not looking at her. “Go away.”

 

“I just want to help y-,”

 

“Well I d-don’t w-want your help.” He cut her off. “Y-you hurt S-Skye. I l-love her. P-please, just g-get out.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Fitz.” She told him.

 

“I-I asked you to l-leave.” He repeated. “Wh-what are y-you d-doing here? W-waiting f-for the right m-moment to attack m-me too?”

 

“I would never try to hurt you.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I love you.”

 

“W-well I d-don’t want you to l-love me!” He yelled back. “N-now g-get out!”

 

Jemma ran out of the room sobbing. She went back to her bunk. She sank to the floor in tears. Fitz didn’t even want to be around her anymore. He didn’t love her anymore. He didn’t want her to love him anymore. He didn’t care about her anymore. 

 

She crawled across the floor to where her bathroom bag sat by her bed, ready for the next time she went down to the communal bathrooms. She opened it and pulled out a new razor. As she started to bring the blade to her arm, she remembered her promise to Fitz. She had promised him that she would never hurt herself again. But he wouldn’t care anymore if she broke that promise. He hated her.

 

She hissed from pain when the blade cut through her skin. She had almost forgotten what this felt like. But the pain was a relief. After everything she’d done, she deserved this pain more than ever. 

 

When she was done, she went to the bathroom to clean and dress her cuts. Fortunately, no one else was there. She headed back to her room and changed into a long sleeved sweater so no one could see her bandages. 

 

She hardly spoke to anyone for the rest of the day. She worked from the tablet in her bunk instead of in the lab. When she got food, she walked quickly back to her room with it. No one would want to be around her anymore, and she had no interest in seeing their stares of hatred and judgement when they ran into her around base.

 

The next morning, she went up to Coulson’s office. She hadn’t slept the night before, nor had she changed her clothes. She knocked softly on his door.

 

“Come in.” He called. She walked in and saw him sitting behind his desk. He looked up at her with confusion. “Simmons? What’s going on?”

 

“I need to leave.” She told him. 

 

“Surely you don’t want to go on another undercover mission?” He raised an eyebrow.

 

“No.” Jemma shook her head. “I want to leave SHIELD.”

 

“Absolutely not.” He shot her down. 

 

“Why?” She questioned. “It would be in the best interest of me and everyone here if I left. I’m only causing trouble amongst the team. I’ve become a liability. And you’re right. You don’t have time to deal with my drama. No one does.”

 

“You’re not leaving.” Coulson insisted, an edge in his voice.

 

“What am I, your prisoner or something? I want to leave SHIELD. I need to leave SHIELD.”

 

“I can’t let you leave because I can’t trust you not to hurt yourself or someone else. I can’t trust you to be on your own right now.” 

 

“Right, can’t let a wild psychopath loose on the world, now can you?” She retorted.

 

“I didn’t say you were a psychopath.”

 

“No, but that’s what you think of me, isn’t it? That I’m some kind of insane asylum patient you need to keep locked away so I can’t hurt anyone?”

 

“No, I don’t think that, Jemma.” He denied. “I’m just worried about you.”

 

“Oh, come off it.” She snapped. “What do you care about me? It’s not like I’m an orphan named Skye or something.”

 

Coulson got up and came around the desk and grabbed her roughly and shoved her against the wall. 

 

“Listen to me, Jemma.” He growled. “I do care about you. My life might be a little easier if I didn’t, but I do.”

 

“Get off me.” She kneed him in the groin and pushed him away. 

 

He slapped her in the face and slammed her into the wall again, this time pinning her arms by her head. But when he did, her sleeves rolled up enough for the bandages on her right arm to be visible. He seemed to notice them instantly. 

 

“Jemma, what is this?” He asked, pulling her arm towards him. He slowly peeled away the bandages to reveal the scars she’d given herself the day before. “Jemma, did you…?” He trailed off, tears welling up in his eyes. 

 

Jemma just nodded and burst into tears. Coulson pulled her into his arms. 

 

“It’ll be okay, Jemma.” He comforted as she cried into his chest. “We’re gonna get you help.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got pretty dark, but I hope you enjoyed it. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of a suicide attempt

That evening, Jemma followed Coulson down to quarantine, where he had decided she should stay for the next few days. 

 

“So I really am your prisoner now.” She remarked as she sat her things down.

 

“You’re only here so we can keep an eye on you, Jemma.” He reminded her. “We can’t exactly let you stay alone in your room right now, so it was either this or a vault downstairs. Figured this would be preferable.”

 

She nodded and sat down on the bed. After Coulson found out she had started cutting again, he had May go through her bunk and confiscate anything she could use to hurt herself. She had spent most of the day in his office, working from her tablet. When she had to go to the kitchen, or the lab, or even the bathroom, May or Bobbi had to go with her. She hated it, but she understood that he was only trying to protect her. Maybe he really did care. 

 

He sat down next to her and softly grabbed her hand. 

 

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

 

“I’ve been better.” She shrugged. “I’m exhausted and I still feel a little sore from fighting with Skye yesterday. And my head hurts from being slammed against the wall.”

 

“I’m sorry about that.” 

 

“It’s alright.” She replied. “I deserved a lot worse.” 

 

“No. You didn't.” He shook his head. “Jemma, I’ve told you this before, and I’m going to tell you again. Please don’t give up on yourself. Ever.”

 

That night, Coulson brought dinner to her. She wasn’t feeling up to eating in the kitchen with everyone else. Afterwards, Coulson left to go finish up some things in his office.

 

A few minutes later, May came in.

 

“How are you holding up?” She asked her.

 

“I’m okay, I guess.” Jemma replied. 

 

“Is it alright if I sit in here with you for a little while?”

 

“Did Coulson send you?”

 

“No.” May shook her head, sitting down next to her on the bed. “I wanted to talk to you. Is that okay?”

 

“Sure.” Jemma fidgeted with the bandages in her arm. 

 

“Can I see?” She asked, reaching for her arm. Jemma nodded.

 

May started to unwrap the bandages and uncover her scars. Sadness filled her eyes as she ran a finger over them. 

 

“Jemma, I want you to promise me you’ll never do this again.”

 

“I'm not going to make you a promise I’m not sure I can keep.” She replied. May sighed.

 

“Why don’t we rewrap this with some fresh bandages?” She suggested, getting off the bed. 

 

She sat down with fresh bandages and wrapped up Jemma’s arm again. 

 

“I’d ask why you did this, but I think I understand.” She remarked. Jemma raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been at this point before.”

 

“You have?”

 

“After Bahrain, I felt like my whole world had been shattered. I was in a really dark place. I left my husband and retired from field work. I fell into a very deep depression. A few months after Bahrain happened, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I was at home one night, when I went to the bathroom and took a whole handful of pills. I probably would have died that night if it hadn’t been for Coulson. I hadn’t been answering his calls for several hours. Apparently around the same time I took the pills, he got concerned and came over. I wouldn’t answer the door, but I had given him a key to my apartment. He found me on the bathroom floor and took me to the hospital.”

 

“Oh my God, May, I had no idea.”  

 

“Not many people do.” She replied. 

 

“Did you start going to therapy?” Jemma asked. 

 

“I was required to.” May answered. “It didn’t do me much good. I wasn’t willing to open up to the therapist. But I think it could really help you. Just be willing to talk to them. Can you promise me you’ll at least try?”

 

“I promise.”

 

“Thank you.” May pulled her into her arms and Jemma held onto her.

 

She found it hard to believe that May, who had always seemed so strong and confident, had once attempted to take her own life. She wondered what really happened in Bahrain that had such a dramatic impact on her, but she didn’t feel comfortable asking. So instead, she just sat silently in her arms, letting her story give her hope that maybe, someday, she might be okay too. 

 

After awhile, Bobbi came in to check on her, holding a gift bag. 

 

“I guess that’s my cue to leave.” May remarked, getting up. “Goodnight, Jemma.”

 

“Goodnight, May.”

 

“How are you doing, honey?” Bobbi asked when May left.

 

“I’m okay, I guess.” 

 

“I’m sorry you have to be in quarantine.” She sat down beside her. “I was in quarantine once, though for very different reasons.”

 

“The kind of reasons people are normally in quarantine for?” 

 

“Yeah.” Bobbi nodded. “Before the uprising, SHIELD used to have a mental health facility. They dealt with a lot of agents who suffered from PTSD from missions and powered people struggling with their powers or the circumstances that their powers came from.”

 

“But Coulson has nowhere like that to send me now, so I get to be in quarantine until further notice.” 

 

“Well, I did bring you a little quarantine care package.” Bobbi said, picking up the bag and handing it to her. “There’s some magazines, a book, a whole season of _Doctor Who_ , and a few snacks.”

 

“Thank you.” Jemma smiled. 

 

“Do you want me to stay the night in here with you?” She offered. “I know it’s probably gonna seem weird sleeping here.”

 

“No thanks.” She shook her head. “I’ll be fine.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“Alright.” Bobbi kissed her. “If you need something, don’t be afraid to text me.”

 

Jemma nodded.

 

“Goodnight, Bobbi.”

 

“Goodnight, Jemma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That got pretty dark, but I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with a lot of events from previous chapters, so it's a little longer than usual.

Jemma walked to the living area of the Bus, where she was meeting her therapist. After spending two days in quarantine, it felt weird to leave, even if it would only be for an hour or so. They had decided that the Bus would provide more privacy than quarantine, but would still allow them to be monitored. 

 

The therapist, Andrew Garner, was already waiting for her when she got there. All she really knew about him was that he was May’s ex-husband and that, apparently, he was a nice guy. He had worked with SHIELD in the past, mostly doing psychological evaluations of powered assets. 

 

“You must be Jemma Simmons.” He greeted her with a smile as she walked in. 

 

“And you must be Dr. Garner.” 

 

“You can call me Andrew.” He told her. “Is it alright if I call you Jemma?”

 

“Of course.” He sat down and she sat down across from him. 

 

“So, Jemma, why don’t you start by telling me why I’m here.”  

 

“Because I’m insane.” She replied. “Which I’m sure you’re already aware of. Did Coulson tell you anything about me?”

 

“All Coulson told me was that he had a very troubled agent that he wanted me to meet with.” Andrew explained. “I want to hear about you from you. So, tell me about why I’m here.”

 

“I already told you.” Jemma shrugged. “I’m insane.”

 

“Why do you think you’re insane?”

 

“You’re the psychiatrist, not me.” She retorted. 

 

“That’s not really what I meant.” He replied. “What makes you feel like you’re insane?”

 

She sighed, remembering what May told her. Open up to him. Be honest. Or this won’t do any good. 

 

“I feel out of control.” 

 

“Out of control of what? Your thoughts? Your actions? Your life?”

 

“Everything.” She sighed. “I’ve spent so long trying to be a good person. But I’m not. I can’t control my impulses. I fuck everything up. Every relationship, every friendship, every opportunity to prove that I’m good. I ruin everything. I’ve caused so much trouble since I’ve joined this team that I’m surprised Coulson hasn’t kicked me out yet.”

 

“What kind of trouble have you caused?” Andrew asked. “What’s happened between you and the rest of the team?”

 

“I guess it started when I contracted an alien virus. Fitz and I tried to find a cure, but I didn’t think we’d done it and I was running out of time. I thought I was going to die and blow the plane up. So to prevent killing everyone, I jumped out of the plane. Grant Ward, who was on the team at the time, jumped to save me. As it turns out, the anti-serum Fitz and I created had worked. Fitz and I were dating at the time, but after that, I started to get closer to Ward. I tried to keep him at a distance, because I was still trying to be good. But a few weeks later, after Skye convinced me to help her hack the system at the Hub, I remembered how good it felt to rebel. And I gave into my impulse. I cheated on Fitz with Ward. Eventually, Fitz found out and broke up with me.”

 

“What did you do when he broke up with you?” 

 

“I was devastated, but it didn’t make me try to change my ways to get back together with Fitz. Instead, I went running to Ward.”

 

“Why didn’t you change your ways?” He questioned. 

 

“I realized that it was pointless.” She answered. “I’d tried to let Fitz change me before. It didn’t work. Why keep trying when it would only ever hurt him more? I decided that I was better suited for someone like Ward. I didn’t have to change for him. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I wasn’t worried about hurting him with my actions. He made me feel like it didn’t matter if I was a bad person. And I liked that.” 

 

“Did you love Ward?” 

 

“I’m not sure. I think for awhile I did, but not enough to actually care about our relationship. I ended up cheating on Ward with Antoine Triplett. When Ward found out about that, he attacked Trip in this very room. Ward ended up forgiving me, because he wanted to make things work between us. And because he had slept with May.”

 

She stopped talking when she realized who she’d just told that to. Andrew raised an eyebrow.

 

“Wait, you’re telling me Melinda slept with the lunatic in the basement?” 

 

“Um, yeah. I didn’t really mean to tell you that, it just kind of slipped out. Don’t tell her I told you.”

 

“My lips are sealed.” He replied. “Let’s get back on track here. How did everything going on with Fitz and Ward affect your relationships with others on the team?”

 

“Things were really awkward between me and Fitz after we broke up.” Jemma told him. “Skye was really pissed at me at first, but we eventually made up. Coulson tried to step in and steer me down the right path after I watched Ward and Trip fight over me and did nothing to stop them. I tried to change, but I went right back to my old habits.”

 

“You keep talking like this behavior isn’t something that’s new for you.” He noticed. “Have you always had issues like this? With controlling your impulses?”

 

She nodded, not really wanting to get into this yet. 

 

“Is this something you’ve struggled with since childhood?”

 

She nodded again. 

 

“What was your childhood like?” He asked.

 

“I’d rather not talk about it.” 

 

“Jemma, what you tell me stays between me and you.” He assured her. “I’ll have to give Coulson the results of your psych-eval, but that’s as much as I can share with other people.”

 

“The last person I opened up to pushed me away.” She confessed, tearing up. “Which I understand, he’s got enough to deal with right now without also dealing with my issues too.”

 

“I’m your therapist. I can’t push you away.”

 

“I know that. I just don’t feel comfortable opening up to someone else about it right now.”

 

“That’s perfectly fine. I’m not going to force you to talk about anything you don’t want to.” He told her. “But if I may ask, who was it that pushed you away? Was it Fitz?”

 

“No.”

 

“Ward?”

 

“No.” 

 

“Who was it?”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Okay. Let’s continue on, then.”

 

“Um, well, things started to feel normal with Ward, until the uprising.” Jemma told him. “I found out he was Hydra. Then he tried to get me to join him. And when I refused, he was ordered to kill us. He chased me and Fitz through the Bus, and we shut ourselves in a medpod where he couldn’t get to us, but then he ejected it and threw us in the ocean. We figured out how to escape, but there was only enough oxygen for one of us. I told him he should take it. He deserved to live a happy life. But he told me he still loved me. And he made me take it. He survived, but with severe brain damage.”

 

“What did you do after that?”

 

“I left. I told Coulson that I wanted to leave. He sent me on an undercover mission at Hydra.”

 

“Why did you want to leave?”

 

“I couldn’t handle the guilt.” She admitted. “What happened to Fitz was my fault. That and I thought he would recover better if I wasn’t there. So I went undercover.”

 

“What happened on your mission? How did that go?”

 

“It went fairly well. I got quite a bit of information on them for Coulson. I reconnected with Ward, which helped me gain the trust of the higher ups. I was handling things alright until Hydra got word of a mole. I had hidden my flex screen in my lab partner’s drawer, and they found it and dragged him away, thinking he was the mole, when in fact he was a loyal Hydra agent. That night, Ward said he was taking me out on a date, but he took me out to the middle of nowhere, where Sunil Bakshi was waiting with Kenneth Turgeon, the supposed mole. Ward handed me a gun and told me to shoot Kenneth to prove my loyalty to Hydra. And I did it.”

 

“That must have had a major impact on you.”

 

“It did. I'm a scientist, not a specialist. I'm supposed to help people, not take them out.” She paused. “Anyway, after that, Coulson had me turn Ward in. And a few days later, I was exposed as a mole. Agent Morse got me out and I returned to SHIELD.” 

 

“And how have things been since you returned?” He asked. 

 

“Not great. Fitz is dating Skye, and things have been tense with both of them to say the least. Mack hates me, even though he hardly knows me. I did start dating Bobbi, the agent who got me out of Hydra, and her ex-husband, Hunter, likes me. Trip is still friendly towards me. And I’ve gotten closer to May since I got back. So not everyone hates me. Or at least they didn’t. Who the hell knows now.”

 

“I take it something happened recently.”

 

“I got in a fight with Skye. Well, I attacked her after she accused me of not caring about Fitz. And then I followed that up by attacking Coulson.”

 

“Why did you attack Coulson?”

 

“It’s a long story.” She sighed. “I don’t really want to talk about it. Anyway, after that, Fitz didn’t want to be around me at all. I told him that I would never do anything to hurt him. That I still love him, which is true. And he told me that he didn’t want me to love him. I went back to my bunk and I started cutting myself, something I hadn’t done in a very long time. Something I promised Fitz I would never do again. But he doesn’t care anymore.”

 

Jemma started to cry, but she took a deep breath and kept going. 

 

“The next day, Coulson found out I was cutting myself, and now here I am.” She tried to calm herself, but she started sobbing. “I’m sorry. C-can we be done for today?”

 

“Of course.” Andrew told her, handing her a tissue. “You opened up about a lot today. You might not feel like you made much progress, but trust me, this is a good start. Is it alright if I come back in a few days?” 

 

She nodded. 

 

“Th-Thank you.” She said between sobs. Andrew nodded.

 

Jemma got up and walked back to quarantine, hardly able to see through her tears. She collapsed on the bed and cried until she wore herself out and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	22. Chapter 22

“How did your first therapy session go?” May asked her, walking into quarantine. 

 

Jemma was still lying on the bed, although she had stopped crying. 

 

“It went okay.” She told her. 

 

May sat down on the bed. 

 

“You don’t look like it went okay.” 

 

Jemma sighed. 

 

“This is going to be really hard, isn’t it?” She asked. “I mean, today I told Andrew that there were just some things I didn’t want to talk about. But I’m going to have to talk about them eventually if I’m ever going to make any progress, aren’t I?”

 

“You are.” May agreed. “But talking through your problems can help. You just need to be willing to open up.”

 

“How can I tell him all of that? Everything that happened, everything that I did when I was younger? He already knows I killed someone for Hydra. What’s he going to think when he finds out Kenneth wasn’t the first person I killed?”

 

“Jemma, I can promise you that he isn’t going to judge you or think any less of you.” She comforted her, running a hand through her hair. “He’s here to help you. Let him.”

 

Jemma laid there for awhile in silence, trying to let May calm her. 

 

“Do you want to come down to the kitchen with me to get dinner?” May offered after several minutes. 

 

“Not really.” Jemma shook her head. 

 

“Alright. I’ll bring something back for you.” 

 

May got up and returned a few minutes later with a tray of food. She stayed and ate with her, although they didn’t talk much. When May left, Jemma texted Bobbi and asked her to come down to quarantine. She decided she needed to talk to her.

 

“Hey, Jemma.” Bobbi greeted her when she walked in. “You wanted to see me?”

 

“Yeah. There’s something I need to tell you.”

 

“You’re pregnant.” Bobbi joked as she sat down beside her. 

 

“No.” Jemma smiled. “Actually, I, um,” she sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What’s wrong, honey?”

 

“I don’t think I can be in a relationship right now.” She told her. “I need some space to work through some shit. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.” Bobbi replied, taking her hand. “I completely understand.”

 

“There’s another reason, too.”

 

“You’re still in love with Fitz?” She guessed.

 

“Yeah. How did you know?” 

 

“I’m a spy. I’m good at reading people.”

 

“I really do like you, you know. I just,” Jemma trailed off.    


 

“I know. I’m not mad.”

 

“Let me guess. You don’t have room to be upset because you’re still in love with Hunter?”

 

“You’d make a good spy.” Bobbi smiled. 

 

Soon after Bobbi left, Coulson came down to see her. 

 

“May told me your first session went well.” He said, walking into the room. 

 

“I guess.” Jemma shrugged. 

 

“Do you like Andrew?” 

 

“He seems nice.” She paused. “What did you tell him about me?”

 

“Nothing I didn’t feel was my place to tell him.” 

 

“That doesn’t really answer my question.” 

 

“I told him a little bit about your situation right now.” Coulson explained. “That you’d been having serious issues in your relationships with others on the team. That you’ve been through a lot and that you’re a very troubled young woman who needs help.”

 

“Did you tell him that I’m an insane whore?” She questioned.

 

“Definitely not in those words.” 

 

“What specifically did you tell him? How much of what I’ve done did you tell him?”

 

“I didn’t tell him about Fitz or Ward, or your fight with Skye. The only specific thing I told him was that you were harming yourself. I had to tell him that so he could have an idea of your mental state. But he and I both decided it would be best for him to hear about your past and your more recent issues from you.”

 

“So he wasn’t lying when he said you didn’t tell him much.” Jemma remarked. 

 

“No. Andrew is not going to lie to you.” He promised. 

 

“He started asking about my past. I didn’t want to tell him anything. I told him I couldn’t, because the last person I trusted enough to tell decided he couldn’t handle me and left.”

 

“Did you tell him that was me?”

 

“No, why? Worried Andrew might think less of you if he knew?”

 

“Jemma, you know I didn’t mean to abandon you, right? I just had other things to worry about.” 

 

“I know.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I’m being like this. The world doesn’t revolve around me. You do have much more pressing issues to deal with than some psychotic whore. Everyone does.”

 

“You’re not just some psychotic whore.” He told her. “You’re an important part of this team. And I’m sorry I hurt you. I was only trying to do what I thought was best for you.”

 

“I know.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this so far. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm

Three days later, Jemma walked down to the Bus for her second session with Andrew. She wasn’t particularly looking forward to it. But she knew she had no choice. 

 

“Good morning, Jemma.” He greeted her as she walked in. 

 

“Morning,” She replied, sitting down across from him.

 

“How are you doing today?”

 

“I’m alright, I guess.” She shrugged.

 

“Has anything new happened since the last time we met?”

 

“I broke things off with Bobbi.” 

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m just not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship right now.” She sighed. “And I’m still in love with Fitz.”

 

“Was Bobbi upset about it?”

 

“No. She understood completely.” 

 

“That’s good.” He replied. “And have you talked to Fitz about this?”

 

“No. He hasn’t come to see me once since I’ve been in quarantine. He still hates me. But that’s not what I want to talk about today.”

 

“What do you want to talk about today?” 

 

“I know last time I didn’t want to say anything about my past.” Jemma started. “But I’ve realized that if I’m ever going to work through my issues with you, I’m going to need to talk about some things that I don’t want to.”

 

“Don’t feel pressured to tell me things you aren’t ready to talk about yet.” Andrew told her. “We’re taking this at your pace, Jemma.”

 

“I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready to talk about this to a stranger.” She replied. “But I’m going to have to. So I figured I just need to do it and get it over with.”

 

“If you’re sure you want to talk about it, then go ahead.”

 

“Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been different than everyone else. Partly because I’ve always been smarter than everyone else. But I’ve also always had dark thoughts and impulses. None of the other kids wanted to be friends with me. And from a young age, I started acting out. I would pick fights with other kids at school. One time I stabbed a girl with a fork. Whenever I got in trouble, my mother would beat me. My father would comfort me afterwards, but he never did anything to stop her. After I stabbed the girl at school, he gave me a music box to lock away all my dark thoughts and desires. It didn’t really work, although I tried.”

 

“It didn’t work because it’s because it’s not healthy to lock your problems away in a box and pretend they don’t exist. You can’t deal with them if you refuse to acknowledge them.”

 

“I think I’m starting to realize that now.” 

 

“That’s good.” He replied. “So did these problems continue as you got older?”

 

“Not in the same way.” Jemma explained. “As I got older, I realized that my actions were hurting people. And I didn’t want to hurt people. So I started hurting myself instead. I first started cutting when I was about ten. My mother screamed at me and beat me when she found out. My father tried to get me to stop. But I didn’t. When I was twelve, I started secondary school, as well as college classes. I was bored with my secondary school classes and I fell in with the wrong crowd. I skipped class with them to drink and occasionally smoke weed. I lost my virginity when I was twelve. The boy was seventeen. I got pregnant when I was fourteen.”

 

“Sounds like you grew up really fast.”

 

“I did. Too fast.” 

 

“Coulson never mentioned anything about you having a child.” Andrew remarked. 

 

“That’s because I never actually had the baby.” She told him. “When I found out I was pregnant, my parents were obviously pissed. I thought everything was going to be fine, though. I decided to stop drinking and smoking. But my friends convinced me to go out with them one last time. My boyfriend, and the father of my baby, got way too drunk. I was still a little drunk, but not nearly as much as he was. So I offered to give him a ride home. I drove across the median head on into another car. He died and I lost the baby.” 

 

“I’m so sorry. That must’ve been awful.”

 

“I felt like I was being eaten alive with guilt. Because it was all my fault. After the accident, I focused all my energy on my coursework. I probably took on way too much, but I didn’t have time to get in trouble anymore. I locked away all my darkest fears, and desires, and impulses into the music box like my father had told me to. I still cut myself sometimes. My parents knew about that, and they thought I was still doing everything else too, even though I wasn’t. And they just gave up on me. I don’t think it ever occurred to either of them to get me help. I kept cutting until I was at the SHIELD Academy. Fitz found out I was cutting and me made me promise to stop. After that, I stopped cutting. And I stopped letting things out of the music box. At least until I got an alien virus and jumped from the plane.”

 

“But you did start cutting yourself again recently.” Andrew pointed out.

 

“Because Fitz doesn’t care about me anymore.” She started to cry. “I hurt him too much. And now he doesn’t care whether or not I break that promise.”

 

“Have you talked to Fitz? Has he told you he doesn’t care about you?” He asked. 

 

“No. But why would he care about me? I abandoned him. I attacked his girlfriend.”

 

“But you also have a lot of history with him. You were his best friend for a lot of years. And when you told him you still love him, he told you that he didn’t want you to love him, not that he didn’t love you. I can’t say for certain, but I’d bet there’s a good chance he does at least still care about you. And a lot of other people care about you too.”

 

“They might care now, but they’ll stop eventually.” Jemma remarked sadly. “Eventually, everyone realizes what I am and gives up on me.”

 

“You’ve mentioned more than once that the last person you opened up about your past to abandoned you. You said it wasn’t Fitz and it wasn’t Ward. May I ask who that was and what happened with them?”

 

“It was Coulson.” She admitted. “He had been trying to step in and steer me in the right direction since after I watched Ward and Trip fight. But when I was undercover at Hydra, he came to check on me one night. He found one of Ward’s jackets in my apartment, as well as a bag of marijuana, which also belonged to Ward. He chewed me out and I got into an argument with him. And then I broke down and told him everything. After that, he started to become almost like a father figure to me. When I turned Ward in, Coulson tried to get me to come back to SHIELD, but I couldn’t. I got into an argument with him. I said he didn’t really care about me, that he was just trying to be a hero. He was trying to save me like he tried to save everyone else on the team. He swore that he cared about me. I told him to leave me alone and I tried to hit him. But he caught my arm before I could. I thought that he was going to hurt me, I goaded him into hurting me. But he didn’t. He told me he would never hurt me. That he cared about me. That he was proud of me, which is something my parents never were. No matter what I did, I could never make them proud.”

 

“You projected your relationship with your parents onto Coulson.” Jemma nodded.

 

“The next day, Coulson sent May to see me. She said Coulson wanted her to take over supervising my mission. When Raina took a picture proving I was a spy for SHIELD, and told him that he would release the photo unless he handed Skye over to her to meet her father, he let the picture be released. Thankfully, Bobbi was there to get me out. My relationship with Coulson deteriorated from there. I accused him of choosing Skye over me, of caring about her more. He became really distant after that. In fact, we hardly spoke until I attacked him outside the gym.”

 

“And you felt like he gave up on you like your real parents did.” 

 

“Exactly.” She agreed. “And I know it isn’t fair of me to act like this. He’s dealing with a lot right now, rebuilding SHIELD, and some other stuff I don’t really know about. When he chose not to hand over Skye, he didn’t do it because he chose her life over mine. He did it because I had Bobbi there to protect me, and he made the only choice he thought he had. But I acted like he chose her over me. I accused him of wanting Skye for his daughter and not me. Which is still probably true regardless, and really who could blame him? Skye is wonderful, and strong, and kind, and I’m just some psychotic whore.” 

 

“You are not just a psychotic whore.” Andrew reassured her. “You’re a brilliant scientist, and a good agent. You’re a good person, even though you don’t see it. And I know Coulson cares about you. You wouldn’t be talking to me now if he didn’t.”

 

“I know.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	24. Chapter 24

On her way back to quarantine, Jemma ran into Fitz in the lab. She knew she should just keep going. He wouldn’t want to talk to her. But she wanted to talk to him. She wanted to at least try.

 

“Hi, Fitz.” She greeted him. “How have you been?”

 

“I-I’ve b-been a-alright.” Fitz replied, not looking at her. 

 

“That’s good.” She smiled. “What are you working on?”

 

“N-none of y-your b-business.” He retorted. “I-I d-don’t really f-feel l-like t-talking r-right now.” 

 

“That’s fine.” She told him. “If you ever do decide you want to talk, feel free to visit me. You know where I am.”

 

“I d-don’t w-want to v-visit y-you. It’s b-bad enough I h-have t-to l-look at you in there e-everyd-day.”

 

“I don’t bite, Fitz.”

 

“Th-that, that, that’s a lie.”

 

“Fitz, I won’t, I mean, I-,” she sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

She turned and continued walking down to quarantine. She sat down on her bed and started to read a book, but she couldn’t focus on it, and eventually, she found herself setting the book down and leaving the room. 

 

Mack had joined Fitz in the lab, and they both gave her dirty looks as she walked past.

 

“Don’t worry.” She told them, annoyed. “I’m just passing through. Wouldn’t dare try to bother you.”

 

“Shouldn’t you be in quarantine?” Mack questioned. “You know, where you can’t go insane and attack someone?”

 

“I’m just headed down to Coulson’s office.” She explained. “I need to talk to him.”

 

“You’re telling him you’re leaving, I hope.”

 

“I’m afraid not.” 

 

She walked out of the lab and headed down the hall. She knocked on the door to Coulson’s office. 

 

“Come in,” He called. He looked up when she walked in. “Jemma, how did therapy go?”

 

“It went alright.” She shrugged. “But I realized I need to talk to you.”

 

“About what?”

 

“I want to apologize.” Jemma told him. “For everything. I’ve acted awful towards you. You have a lot to deal with right now, and I haven’t been making things any easier for you. I know you care. I know you always make the decision that you think will be best for everyone. I know you care a lot about me and about everyone else. And I’ve been a stupid, selfish, brat about everything. I don’t need you to want me to be your daughter. I don’t even need you to forgive me. I’ve done some things that are unforgivable. I just need you to know that I’m sorry.” 

 

“Jemma, I-,” he trailed off, seeming taken aback. 

 

“I’m sorry.” She said again. “I’ll go now.” 

 

She started to leave, but Coulson stopped her. 

 

“Jemma, wait,” he grabbed her arm gently. She turned back around. “I accept your apology. And I forgive you.”

 

“Thank you.” She replied. She hadn’t really expected him to forgive her. She didn’t think she deserved it.

 

“I want you to know that I do care a lot about you.” He told her. “You’re just as much my daughter as Skye is, even if my relationship with you has been a little rockier than my relationship with her.” 

 

“Really?” She felt tears welling up in her eyes. “Even after everything I did?”

 

“Yes.” He took her hands. “I meant it when I said I would never give up on you. And I also meant it when I said you can’t give up on yourself. You’ve been through a lot. You have a lot of issues. But you can work through them. And if you ever need anything from me, I’m here to help.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly, feeling surprised, but relieved. She had repaired her relationship with Coulson, or at least started to. Maybe she could do the same with Fitz. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	25. Chapter 25

Jemma sat down across from Andrew Garner again a few days later. 

 

“So, how have you been?” Andrew asked. 

 

“I think I’ve been doing a little better.” She told him. “I made up with Coulson. I went to his office and apologized for everything. I realized I need to take more responsibility for my actions if I’m ever going to make things right with the people I’ve hurt. I can’t blame other people for things that I’ve chosen to do.” 

 

“That’s an important realization for you to make.” He remarked. “What your parents did to you, and everything else that’s happened to you, had a serious impact on you. But at the end of the day, you are in control of your own actions. You can control your impulses. And you need to be able to take responsibility for the times when you didn’t.” 

 

“I know.” Jemma agreed.

 

“So how did your conversation go with Coulson?”

 

“He forgave me. I wasn’t expecting him to, but he did. He told me that he really does care about me and that he’ll never give up on me.” She felt tears well up in her eyes. “And I really felt like he meant it. I never felt like the family I was born with cared about me very much. But I feel like the family I’ve found at SHIELD does. And I came so close to ruining all of that.”

 

“It’s not too late to fix it, Jemma.” He told her.

 

“I hope you’re right.” 

 

Jemma left the conversation feeling like she should try to apologize to Fitz again. She went down to the lab, but he wasn’t there. So she headed down to the kitchen. He was there with Dr. Garner. They were alone, and talking too quietly for her to hear. She knew they were talking about her. 

 

She decided to go back to the lab and wait for him there. 

 

Fitz walked in several minutes later. She was sitting at her old workspace, looking through some papers.

 

“W-what are y-you d-doing here?” Fitz asked her. 

 

“I want to talk to you.” 

 

“About what?”

 

“I just want to apologize to you.” She explained. “I really hurt you. And it’s well past time for me to take responsibility for that. For everything. I’m not asking your forgiveness. I’m not asking you to love me again, I know you don’t. I just need you to know that I’m sorry.”

 

“I don’t believe you.” He replied. “I-I can’t believe you. You c-can’t possibly expect me to accept this apology after everything. B-because I w-won’t. I d-don’t l-love you anymore. I l-love Skye, n-not you. And I c-can’t f-forgive you after everything y-you’ve d-done to us.”

 

“Like I said, I don’t need you to forgive me.” She repeated. “I just need you to know that I’m sorry.”

 

“W-why don’t you j-just go b-back to q-quarantine where y-you b-belong?” 

 

Jemma got up and did as Fitz told her. Then she laid down on her bed and cried. 

 

Later that day, she decided to go talk to Skye. Maybe she would have better luck with her. 

 

She found Skye in the living area, playing a video game with Trip.

 

“Hey, Skye, can I talk to you for a minute?” Jemma asked her.

 

“Uh, I guess.” Skye replied. “What do you want?”

 

“Actually, I’d prefer to speak to you in private.”

 

“Does it have to be right now? I’m in the middle of something.”

 

“It’s alright, Skye.” Trip chimed in. “We can pause the game. Talk to Jemma. I’m gonna take a bathroom break.”

 

“Fine.” Skye groaned in annoyance.

 

Trip got up and left the room while Jemma sat down beside Skye.

 

“Skye, I want to apologize to you.” She explained. “For everything. I’ve been awful towards you, and I’m sorry. I’m not asking for you to be my best friend again. I’m not asking for you to forgive me. What I’ve done is unforgivable. But I need you to know that I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m sorry too.” She replied. “I’ve been a bitch to you since you came back. I can’t forgive you for what you did to Fitz. That’s his place, not mine. But I forgive you for attacking me.”

 

“You do?”

 

“I do. I was a bitch to you. I just can’t help it. I’m jealous.”

 

“Jealous of what?” Jemma asked. 

 

“Fitz still loves you.”

 

“No, he doesn’t. He’s made that very clear.”

 

“He might not admit it, but he does.” Skye told her. “He still loves you, despite everything. He talks about you a lot. One time when we were having sex, he even moaned your name.”

 

“Then why is he so hostile towards me?”

 

“You hurt him. And he wants to pretend that he doesn’t love you anymore. That he’s over you. That he loves me now. But I know the truth.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“I do. And I always will. But if he decides eventually that he wants to get back together with you, I’ll be happy for you. You’re changing, as much as I don't want to admit it. You have the capability to be a good person. And I know that someday you’re going to move past all of this.”

 

“I’m certainly trying my hardest.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s taken me so long to update this. I hit a bit of writer’s block. But I’m back! :)

That evening, May came to see Jemma in quarantine. She had gone back after her conversation with Skye and hadn’t left. Fitz was in the lab most of the day, but despite what Skye had told her, she was too scared to talk to him again. 

 

“I brought pizza.” May told her, sitting down on the bed beside her. She set the box down in between them. 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

“How are you doing?”

 

“I kind of made up with Skye today.” She replied. 

 

“That’s good.” She nodded. “Then why do you seem sad?”

 

“She said that Fitz still loves me.”

 

“Is that a bad thing?” May looked confused. “I thought you wanted that.”

 

“I mean I do, it’s just,” Jemma sighed. “I don’t know. I love him and I want to be with him. But he’s better off without me. All I’ve ever done is hurt him. He deserves someone like Skye, who will actually treat him right.”

 

“Would you treat him wrong?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“If you got back together, would you treat him wrong?” She repeated. “Would you cheat on him again? Would you intentionally do anything to hurt him?”

 

“No, of course not. I’m done with all of that.” She answered. “But that doesn’t mean I deserve to have him back.”

 

“I think you do.” May argued. “You’ve grown a lot as a person. I think you deserve a second chance with him.”

 

“You do?”

 

“I do. So go talk to him.” She smiled. “After you eat, of course.” 

 

After they ate, May left, giving her an encouraging smile. Jemma took a deep breath and walked out of quarantine. Fitz was in the lab. He looked frustrated, and part of her thought she should turn around and try again tomorrow. But she knew that if she didn’t do it now, she would always come up with another excuse to put it off. This conversation needed to happen, and it was going to upset him no matter when she did it. Her very presence seemed to upset him. But she couldn’t avoid him. 

 

“Fitz,” she called quietly as she approached him. 

 

“W-what do you want?” He asked. 

 

“I want to talk to you.” She sat down beside him. “I talked to Skye today. She forgave me for what I did to her.”

 

“Y-you don’t d-deserve that.” 

 

“I know.” She sighed. “She also told me that she thinks you still love me. Which I also don’t deserve.”

 

“W-why are you here, J-Jemma?” He questioned nervously. “W-what do you w-want f-from m-me?”

 

“I just want to know if she was right.” Jemma answered. “Do you still love me?”

 

“I-I d-don’t know.” He stammered. “I-I sh-shouldn’t. B-but,” he trailed off.

 

“But what, Fitz?” She asked. “Do you love me or not? I just need to know, I-,”

 

She was going to tell him that she would move on if he didn’t still love her. But she didn’t get to finish her sentence. He cut her off with a hard kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	27. Chapter 27

Jemma stood stunned for a second before kissing back desperately. After a few moments, Fitz pulled away. 

 

“I-I’m sorry.” He stammered. “I-I don’t kn-know why I d-did that. W-well, actually I-I do. I-I st-still l-love you.”

 

“I still love you too, Fitz.” She replied. 

 

“I-I c-can’t f-forgive you for everything y-yet.” Fitz told her. “B-but I th-think I w-want to g-give y-ou another chance.”

 

“I would like that.” She smiled. “But what about Skye?”

 

“I’ll b-break up w-with h-her. I hope she’ll, she’ll understand.” 

 

“I think she will.” 

 

“I-I’m a bloody f-fool to g-give you another ch-chance.” He remarked.

 

“Maybe.” She agreed. “But I really am trying to change. I’ve really been able to take the time to reflect on my issues and take responsibility for my actions these past few weeks. And Dr. Garner has been really helpful. I hope I can love you right this time.”

 

“S-so do I. I don’t th-think I’ll b-be able to t-take it if y-you b-break my h-heart again.”

 

His admission hurt, but she knew she needed to hear it. She prayed that she wouldn’t fuck this up again. 

 

The next day, she met with Andrew again. 

 

“Jemma, how are you doing?” He asked as she sat down across from him. 

 

“I got back together with Fitz.” She gave a small smile. “He hasn’t forgiven me yet, but he is willing to give me another chance. He still loves me. I don’t know if I deserve that. I don’t even think he knows if I deserve that.”

 

“It will take time for him to be able to forgive you.” Andrew told her. “You two have a lot to work out. But I think you deserve another chance. You’re a good person.”

 

“I am trying.” 

 

“So what about Skye?” 

 

“He broke up with her.” Jemma explained. “Which I feel bad about, because she really loved him. She deserves him more than I do. But she’s happy for me. Which I also feel bad about, because I don’t think I was ever really happy for her. But she’s a kinder person than I am.”

 

“You are a kind person. You have a good heart.” He replied. “You’ve just made some bad decisions. But you’re changing. You deserve this chance.”

 

“I’m scared I’m gonna fuck this up again.” She admitted. “I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have.”

 

“You don’t have to be scared of this. Don’t go into this thinking you’re just going to break his heart all over again. Because then you’ll get upset and act out, and then you will hurt him. Accept responsibility for your past behavior and move forward. Keep your head on straight. Think before you do something you’ll regret. You can do this. Just don’t let what you did before stop you from trying again.” 

 

The next night, Fitz took Jemma out on a date. She remembered their first date. He had taken her to a small diner, so nervous about the date that he had forgotten she was a vegetarian. The only thing she could order was a salad, but she insisted they stay anyway. That date had been awkward, but pleasant. He was kind, sweet, caring, and endlessly apologetic about the restaurant. 

 

This would be their second first date. And it would be very different than the first date all those months ago. It would be just as awkward, but for different reasons. She hoped it would go well. She hoped she wouldn’t do anything to fuck it up. 

 

This was Jemma’s first time leaving base since she had been put in quarantine. She was excited to go out in the world again, even if she was scared about the date. Fitz took her hand and led her out of the door and to the car. She would be driving, as Fitz still wasn’t cleared to yet, but he had picked the restaurant. They tried to make small talk on the way, but their conversation was short and awkward. It seemed neither of them knew what to say to each other anymore. 

 

The restaurant she pulled up in front of was quite a bit nicer than the diner he had taken her to before. 

 

“Th-this one has m-more than one v-vegetarian option.” Fitz told her as they walked inside. “I-I ch-checked the m-menu b-before I m-made the r-reservation.”

 

“Thank you.” Jemma smiled. 

 

When they got to their table, he pulled out her chair for her. He sat down across from her with a nervous smile on his face. For a few minutes, they read the menu silently, until he finally gathered the courage to speak.

 

“J-Jemma,” he stammered. “I-I’m gl-glad you d-decided to c-come here w-with m-me.”

 

“I’m glad you decided to take me here.” She replied. “Thank you. Not just for this, but for everything. For giving me a second chance. I hope I deserve it.”

 

“Y-you do.” He said. “A-and I-I’m s-sorry for what I s-said to y-you before. I-I do w-want you to l-love me. B-because I n-never st-stopped loving y-you. And I d-don’t th-think I ever w-will.” 

 

Jemma felt tears well up in her eyes. She wasn’t expecting to hear him say that. 

 

“I never really stopped loving you either.” She told him. “No matter where I was or who I was with, I was still in love with you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize it sooner. I’m so sorry for what I put you through. I was selfish, reckless, and immature. And I’m hoping and praying that I don’t mess this up again. I don’t want to hurt you again. Because I’ll never stop loving you either.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one chapter left. I hope you've enjoyed this. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	28. Chapter 28

A week passed. Dr. Garner had finally cleared Jemma to leave quarantine and resume her previous job with the team. She was excited to move back into her old bunk. And she was even more excited to get to go back to the lab. To be able to work with Fitz again. To be able to research and experiment and solve problems with him like she used to. 

 

May had come down to quarantine to help her move her stuff back. Fitz and Mack were in the lab working on a case, and she would join them after she finished unpacking. She was half tempted to ask May if she would just move the stuff back herself, so she could get back to the lab sooner. But she knew she couldn’t do that. 

 

Jemma and May each carried a box from quarantine to her bunk. The longer she was in quarantine, the more of her stuff had moved down there with her. When she set her box down, she just stood and looked around her old room for a moment. It felt strange to be back here. And it looked strangely empty.

 

“How does it feel to be back?” May asked her.

 

“Nice, I think.” Jemma replied. “I was excited to come back here, but I wasn’t expecting it to feel so weird. It almost feels like this isn’t my bunk. Like I don’t belong here anymore.”

 

“You’ll feel better when you get settled back in.” She reassured her. Jemma nodded.

 

May was right. As she unpacked, she started to feel more at home again. It was certainly comfier in her bunk than it had been in quarantine. But she wasn’t staying here long. 

 

Jemma headed down to the lab as soon as she finished unpacking. Fitz smiled when he saw her walk in.

 

“W-welcome back, J-Jemma.” He greeted her. 

 

“Thank you.” She kissed him softly. 

 

To her surprise, when she looked up at Mack, he wasn’t glaring at her like he wanted her to drop dead. He wasn’t exactly smiling, but he looked like he was okay with her presence. Maybe he was finally warming up to her. Maybe she had finally shown him that she could be a better person than the woman he’d first met. 

 

Her first day back in the lab went well. Coulson, May, Daisy, and Bobbi all came to see her throughout the day to see how she was holding up. 

 

That evening, she went down to the living area with Fitz to eat dinner with the team. Then, he followed her back to her bunk. As soon as he closed the door behind them, he kissed her hard. They made out for a few minutes before they both pulled away breathless.

 

“I-I’ve been w-wanting to d-do th-that all day.” Fitz told her. 

 

“Me too.” She replied.

 

She kissed him again, just as hard and passionate as before. His hands had originally settled on her hips, but now they moved up to unbutton her shirt. She started to move them toward the bed as they undressed each other.

 

By the time they got to her bed, they were left in just their underwear. She gently pushed him down on the bed and climbed on top of him.

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” She asked. 

 

“Yes.” He answered. “I-I’ve w-wanted th-this for a long t-time.” 

 

Her lips crashed into his again, and they removed the last pieces of clothing in their way. They both moaned as she sank down onto him. Their bodies moved together passionately, but slowly. He was much gentler with her than Ward had been. But now, she had an appreciation for his gentleness that she hadn’t before. Because she could tell from the way Fitz made love to her that he loved her in a way Ward never had. In a way Ward never could. And she loved Fitz in a way she never loved Ward. 

 

“Fitz,” she moaned as she came. “I love you.”

 

“I-I love you too.”

 

When they finished, she rolled off of him and cuddled up beside him. And beside him, she felt happier than she had in a long time. She felt loved and appreciated. And she was starting to believe she might deserve this. 

 

FItz fell asleep not long after. Jemma closed her eyes and started to drift off to sleep beside him. She knew that this wouldn’t be easy. She knew she would have a long road ahead of her. But she took a lot of comfort in knowing that Fitz wanted to be there beside her through all of it. Despite everything she had done, all the pain she had caused him, he was still willing to give her another chance. He still loved her. And she still loved him. She was going to do everything in her power to right her wrongs. To fix what she had broken. And for the first time in months, she fell asleep feeling like everything would be alright. Maybe she was a good person after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this story. It's been such a fun story to write. I love you all! Thank you all so much for reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think of this so far. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
